Bigfoot, a giant, ape-like man (that should actually be called Bigfeet because it's a biped), is real and I am going to give you three conclusive reasons why. This hippie-like monster of an ape has been cruising through the forests and mountains of North America for years…barefoot! It has inspired film characters like Chewbacca and even entire movies like Harry and the Hendersons, yet many do not believe in this majestic beast and equate sightings of it to nothing more than misidentification of bears, intoxication, minds playing tricks, or some combination of those factors.

But after you read my list, you'll know once and for all that Bigfoot is, indeed, real.

Bigfoot in the snow

1. No convincing evidence exists that Bigfoot isn't real.

Doubters of Bigfoot cling tightly to their claim that just because there is no physical evidence of Bigfoot's existence, Bigfoot isn't real. But that's crazy. What are these doubters going to come up with next? When are they going to find something convincing to show that Bigfoot is, in fact, not real? All they say is, "You've got nothing! There's no proof," in a very condescending, accusatory tone.

People who say an 8-foot tall beast could not live and thrive anywhere in North America have obviously never seen large, incredible athletes.But I always reply with the same thing: "What do you have to show that Bigfoot isn't real? Oh, you have the fact that I don't have something to prove that it is real?"

Ladies and gentleman, arguing from the standpoint that nothing is something is all these doubters have to detract from the realness of Bigfoot. They'd rather bash on our nothing to say it's something than to simply acknowledge, that in fact, they're the ones to say that our nothing is their something. And that, my friends, is ridiculous.

I'm not sure if it's a circular argument, but it's definitely oval in nature. Some sort of round-shaped logic.

2. Experts have done the research.

If you watch all the YouTube documentaries out there, you'll learn very quickly that there are some super important experts who know all there is to know about Bigfoot. These people have done their research.

  • They know that if you hit a tree with a stick, Bigfoots will also hit a tree with a stick.
  • They know that if you hear a sound in the night that sounds exactly like a coyote's howl, it isn't a coyote's howl, it's a Bigfoot imitating a coyote's howl.
  • They know that if you see a bunch of twigs in a pile, that those aren't just twigs in a pile, they are instead a Bigfoot-made structure.
  • They know that if you look for Bigfoot and stones start flying your way, those aren't stones tossed by wasted, bush-party-going teenagers, they're stones launched from the hands of Bigfoot.

Look, if you're not willing to put in the time like I have to learn the facts of the case, then you deserve to believe that Bigfoot isn't real! You've blinded yourself to the truth!

3. North America is big. So is outer space!

Some so-called professors and experts have said that Bigfoot cannot be real because a giant, ape-like creature would require a certain type of biome in order to live and thrive in North America. Then they just keep talking and talking and it all starts to sound like, "I believe I'm so smart and everyone else is as dumb as a half-eaten bag of pretzels."

To these people, I say: Shaquille O'Neal, Dirk Nowitzki, Yao Ming!!! Because people who say that an 8-foot tall beast could not live and thrive anywhere in North America due to unfavorable conditions have obviously never seen large, incredible athletes like Shaq play basketball. Despite his size, Shaq could travel through big cities virtually undetected—and he stuck to main streets! So can Dirk! So could Yao! How is this possible? I have three and a half friends in LA (one girl doesn't really like me anymore, but I'm keeping my options open) and all three and a half told me that in all the years Shaq played for the Lakers, they never saw him once in-person.

So, there you have it. If people can't come into contact with a 7-foot HUMAN in a large city like Los Angeles, doesn't it make sense that a similar-sized creature could be strolling through the Pacific Northwest undetected?

On a side note, I wonder who's better at sinking foul shots? Bigfoot or Shaq?

And, if I'm wrong (I'm not), and these "experts" are right, and Bigfoot does not live in the Pacific Northwest because it's not big enough, or doesn't contain the right biome or something, then all I can say is, "What about space?"

Yes, that's right! I said it! Space! For those who don't know, space is really big. It's so big, we actually call it "space"! Isn't it possible that Bigfoot could be flying to the Pacific Northwest in some sort of ship, staying for a while in the beautiful forested areas, and then flying back to his planet? If you don't think so, you should be asking yourself, "How did George Lucas come up with the idea for the Wookie planet?" Did he just make that up? The answer my friends is, "No." Or at least, "probably not." Ideas have to come from somewhere, people.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.