Good Morning Everyone!
I hope you all enjoyed that video of racially diverse colleagues waving and pretending to work as much as I did! Nothing gets me ready to go more than a carefully curated corporate video set to a Black Eyed Peas playlist!
Thanks for joining us at this mandatory team-building exercise for the restructuring of our company. As you all know, there has been a lot going on in the world lately. We have all experienced a pandemic, civil rights protests, and massive economic upheaval. Which is why we wanted to take a minute as a company to step back, take a look at each other, and ask the question. “Which one of you can we fire?”
I get that team-building exercises like this can seem a little goofy and disingenuous. But as I’m sure you are all aware by our carefully worded mission statement, that’s not who we are at all. At this company we don’t just say the words, we live them.“WE INSPIRE YOU TO WORK. WE THINK YOU ARE PEOPLE” So don’t worry, we won’t be doing any cliché activities like trust falls today. Rest assured, there will be no one to catch you. We have already taken the liberty of preemptively canceling your health insurance.
Life is changing and we need to change with it. We envision a new future, a future of open office plans, with no cubicles, no desks, and absolutely no you. But how do we get there? That’s where you come in. Today we challenge you to work in teams to tackle funtivities like “How could I design a robot to do my job?” and “Building a robot to do my job” and the ever-popular “How do we make that robot cheaper?”
We aren’t just a team, we are a family. And today we want you all to get to know each other on a more personal level. I’d like you all to stand up and seek out someone you don’t work with on a daily basis. Ask each other three fun facts about your lives outside of work and then dig deeper by asking them the specific details of their job. Do you think you could do their job? If so please raise your hand and you will both be invited to attend the Imagination Workshop in which one of you will get to keep a paycheck.
At a company our “current” size. We feel it is necessary to reach out individually to let you know that you are not just a line item to us. You are paid far too little for that. You are grouped together with other line items and saved in a file named Cost Savings.
I want you all to realize that cutting heads is our last course of action. We would love to keep all of you. However, the unfortunate reality is that we are not immune to economic stressors. Despite all of the headwinds we face, the cost of yacht maintenance remains sky high. Through reworking the organization and radically simplifying our workforce we believe we can raise the tide, and a rising tide raises all boats, including our aforementioned yachts.
We view this as a very exciting time! Through restructuring our company may see our most profitable years to date! And as a former employee, we hope that you can watch our success from your parent’s basement with pride.
I know that these tasks sound daunting. But we pride ourselves on setting breakthrough goals that not only disrupt the marketplace but also your lives. I want to assure you that some of you will make it! Those of you with that rare ability to suck up, spew corporate jargon, and cover your own ass will all have seats in our new streamlined company. You unkillable corporate cockroaches of the future will share in the profits and growth of our great company, at least until a time when our stock price lowers or we decide it could go higher.