Hello. Ni Hao. Namaste.

Surprised to see three different languages on the same subway ad? We thought so.

Or rather, the agency we hired to design this tri-colored, sans-serif graphic for 2.3 million dollars thought so.

The bottom line? Here at For Hims, we don’t speak one language. We speak one TRUTH.

You are going bald as shit.

That’s right. All of you. Not “thinning out.” Not “George Costanza-ing.” Nope. You’re going full-on, sunscreen on your scalp, brain-practically-exposed BALD.

No Cap.

No B.S.

No The Agency Didn’t Deliver The Third Line Of Copy For Our “Emphasis Panels,” Which Apparently Perform Very Well With Gen Z, Despite The Whole 2.3 Million Dollars Thing.

But our common struggle unites us. Strengthens us. EMPOWERS us. The entire WORLD is going BALD as SHIT.

And that doesn’t count as Fear Mongering, since it’s conversational in tone.

See this minimalist, cartoon-style illustration of a globe? It looks like a kid drew it, but a pretty artistic one, or maybe just one who can work an iPad? See how it’s absolutely crawling with baldies of every creed and kind?

That’s the world we’re headed towards, unless you use discount code BALD-AS-SHIT for 10% off your first order on ForHims.com before you exit this highly-stylized subway car.

Because the question is not IF. It’s WHEN.

(Unless the question is IF this is the typeface Wes Anderson used for the opening credit sequence of The Royal Tenenbaums, in which case, the answer is yes.)

A recent study determined that 99% of humans lose 100% of their hair within just 10 years of body decomposition after burial.

The 1%?

For Hims users with hairlines so pronounced they’ll scare the absolute shit out of the construction workers inevitably excavating cemeteries to make way for more parking lots.

And for just $399/month, YOU can be a corpse with hair. But more importantly, a corpse with confidence.

Because what’s worse than lacking confidence?

Foregoing retirement after being financially crippled by decades of hair treatment payments despite having a full head of hair, all because you couldn’t stop reading this refreshingly honest and undeniably aesthetic banner ad on your way to work?

No. Nó. Nö.

The answer is nothing.

Stay Safe, New York.

Stay Hairy, New York.

Stay Away From The Agency That Charged Us 2.3 Million Dollars And Still Failed To Deliver All Three Lines Of Copy On Both Sets Of “Emphasis Panels,” New York.