I’ve found them, the shoes that will solve everything. Every outfit will look perfect, all my back pain will disappear. These are the shoes that will take me from a 4 to a 10. These are the shoes that will make me walk taller, with my shoulders back, like models do. When I walk down the street, people will stop and stare at my gorgeous feet prisons and say “She’s done it! She found the shoes that solved everything!”

This is exceptional, because these shoes are going to turn it all around, probably. They work for the office or a night out. They’re perfect for the gym and the airport and poolside. I could wear them to an execution and they would be fabulous. They go with everything. They are also ethically made from recycled materials, but somehow cost $12. These shoes make me look both mature but playful, demure but bold, casual but elegant. These are shoes that everyone wants but no one can find… Except me, now. These are the shoes that will change my life.

I will be wearing these shoes on my wedding day. I will wrap my firstborn child in the sole of it someday, somehow. This shoe will defy logic and physics. Scientists will study these shoes and their effect on the human mind. Archeologists will find these shoes next to my skeleton, not a scuff mark on them. Anthropologists will teach classes on the way this specific pair of shoes forever changed the way society viewed women, expression, fashion, and power. Anthropology will try to recreate the shoe for a surge price of $740, but they won’t sell.

Culture will finally cease to be racist, sexist, homophobic, ageist, demonic, biblical, everything and everywhere all at once with these shoes. There is no possible way that these shoes will only go with one specific outfit for one specific occasion that I will experience twice per year. To spend money on something that inconsistent would be ridiculous, which is why these shoes are such a good investment. They will waste no space in my teeny tiny apartment. In fact, just owning them will free up countless drawers and organize my closet (I think, I have not clicked on the Confirm Order button yet). I can just about guarantee that these perfect shoes will never result in a blister, they might even give me a pedicure while I wear them, that’s how amazingly they could alter my life.

All of these other shoes were different. They were embarrassing examples of shoes that I thought were the real deal, but they were not. They are my ex-boyfriends, but in shoe form. Those other shoes are not marriage material, but these shoes and I? We’re soulmates. Even better– Solemates. That’s a joke only the shoes could have helped me come up with, and they are who I will thank in my inevitable EGOT acceptance speeches. Every other boot I bought carelessly, without fully understanding what they could do, but this is different, I can feel it.

These are cowboy boots.