Welcome to Caruso’s family restaurant! We are an authentic Italian restaurant, bringing the incredible tastes of Sicily right to your neighborhood. Our menu offers a tantalizing array of original and cultivating Italian cuisine, hand-crafted daily in our humble kitchen. To us, the most precious memories in life aren’t remembered in your head. They’re remembered in your stomach. Dine with us today!
Our menu? Certainly. Go ahead and click on “Menu” in the upper left hand of the page here. Under that incredibly zoomed-in picture of a fork dangling some pasta, you’ll see the word “Menu.” You find it? Now, click on that. Voila! Fusilli al Pesto and Shrimp. Gnocchi with Truffle Burrata. Rigatoni with Lobster Bisque. Looks pretty good, right?
This is our catering menu. None of that is offered in person at our restaurant. We at Caruso’s only serve this menu for parties of over 500.
So, are you ready to go ahead and reserve a table for this Friday? Do we smell a date night in the air?
Our menu? Menu…. Oh, the “menu”! Yes, sorry, didn’t follow what you meant at first. We can’t remember the last time someone actually asked for that. Most people just trust us because we are good, honest, hard-working people, but sure, if you don’t want to believe in a small family-owned restaurant, let’s get you to the menu!
Okay, click on the “Home” tab at the top of your page. Do you see that haphazardly cropped picture of red wine being poured into a dirty wine glass? To the right of that, in a font that is the exact same color as the background of our website, are the words “Dinner Menu.” Go ahead and click on that.
This takes you to a PDF of a QR code from 2014. Do me a favor and scan that QR code. Like what you see? Yes, that is a blurry, black-and-white picture of the great matriarch of our restaurant, Mama Caruso!
We at Caruso’s believe our customers must understand the origin of all the incredible food they are about to eat. In this picture, Mama Caruso is cooking her legendary lasagna. It’s her secret recipe, developed over seven generations and perfected into a sensational, creamy, and delectable dish. I think you’d enjoy it. Dio mio, every single person who has ever tasted it has gotten everything they’ve ever wanted in life!
The lasagna is not on our menu. Mama Caruso died at the running of the bulls. She was watching from the safety of the stands and the excitement was too much for her and she choked on a corndog she was eating. The lasagna recipe died with her. So it’s not on our menu.
Can I go ahead and put you down for a table for two this Friday night? We have live music on Fridays!
Here you go again about this menu thing. We at Caruso’s are getting a little tired of your constant questions about the “menu” and “what food we serve” at our “restaurant.” Most folks are sold on the atmosphere and culturally rich backstory, but guess you’re only coming to our restaurant for the food? The food here is good, we promise. Isn’t that good enough for you?
Alright, fine. Let’s just go to the menu.
Open a new window in Internet Explorer. You can’t use Google Chrome or Safari or your computer will shut down permanently. Go to Bing. Type “food” into Bing. There’s going to be a blog post on page 17 of the search results titled, “Come see how I Eat, Shit and Pray” written by a user called Sir Eats-A-Lot. It’s a 10,000-word blog post about how this guy ate poutine in Québec and now has a “calling to embrace every moment left for him in life.” Scroll through every word of the post until you reach the comments section. Comment “MENU” in all caps. Immediately, Sir Eats-A-Lot will respond with three different links. Disregard the first two links, they are just slideshows of pictures of poutine he ate in Québec. Click on the third link. This takes you to a gif of Mario flying through the sky as a raccoon. When he’s dressed like this, he’s called Tanooki Mario.
We at Caruso’s fucking love this shit. Tanooki Mario is what it’s all about.
Scratch Tanooki Mario’s tail with your mouse and this will bring you to a dark web chess match set up on a Bulgarian internet server. Go to the chat box and challenge a warrior by the name of Ronan the Barbarian to a game of chess.
We at Caruso’s have never beaten Ronan the Barbarian at online chess. We would be shocked if you did.
However, if by some grace of God, you defeat Ronan the Barbarian at chess, your computer will automatically reload and bring you back to the Tannucci’s restaurant home page. From there, click on the tab that reads, “DO NOT ENTER” in the top right-hand corner of the website. And at last, you have arrived.
Fusilli al Pesto and Shrimp. Gnocchi with Truffle Burrata. Rigatoni with Lobster Bisque. It’s our catering menu again.
We at Caruso’s have absolutely no idea where we put our menu.