I always wanted to be rich. I always wanted to have a beautiful wife. I never thought I’d have either, but guess what? I got both. Although the life is not all it’s cracked up to be, you’ll never guess in a million years how it all turned out for me. It goes like this.

I was born the son of a sharecropper. No, that’s a line from a movie. But I was born poor all the same. Problem was, I wasn’t much of a go-getter, and I wasn’t very bright either.

Then I met Janine. Janine was rich, and more than that, she was beautiful. Still is, on both counts.

So all at once, with the two simple words “I do,” I became a millionaire overnight. That’s what I call earning it the old-fashioned way. Janine was generous, she was fun to be around, and she was a knockout. The sex was good, too. There was only one problem: she didn’t like doing the one thing I like best.

You see, I’ve got this thing where I just have to have my woman grab my balls during intercourse. I don’t mean just grab them, I mean grab and hold on to them for dear life. Like you’re riding a bull. It’s not just that I like it, I can’t come without it.

But she wouldn’t do it. It’s not that she wasn’t sympathetic, it’s just that she wasn’t brought up that way. If you’ve never been with a rich girl, someone who’s had everything her way her whole life, then you wouldn’t understand. She’d do anything else I wanted, but she just couldn’t bring herself to grab hold of my balls. She was, however, a wonderful gal, an amazing wife, and she had a solution.

Now, here’s the part where being rich really comes into play. Janine, love of my life, woman of my dreams, went and hired a ball grabber. I bet you didn’t even know there was such a thing. I didn’t either, that is until I met her.

Her name is Asa. She’s 23 years old, she’s from Bangkok, and she is a highly-trained ball grabber. That’s all she does, grab balls. Bangkok! You can’t make this shit up.

When Janine and I are making love, whether in doggie or missionary position (or even if she’s on top riding cowgirl), Asa is there to grab hold of my balls. She holds on to those suckers as long as it takes, and sometimes that can be quite awhile.

Moreover, her specialties include not just ball grabbing, but ball stroking, ball tickling, and even on occasion, ball licking. Asa does wonders for our marriage, but lately it just hasn’t been enough.

I’m not going to lie to you. No matter how rich you are, how beautiful you are, your sex life gets old. Downright dull. Even with Asa there with her iron grip, I find myself unable to close the deal lately and even Janine has been a little standoffish as of late. Seems there’s something else she won’t do anymore: fellatio.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those men who has to keep his woman in her place. I like riding on the bottom just as much as the top. But I need something to get my motor revving, and up till now that’s always been a good tool scrubbing. Seems Janine’s taken a disliking to the taste as of late, but trooper that she is, she’s come up with yet another brilliant plan: a knob slobber.

That’s right. Seems that ball grabbers are not the only bedroom entrepreneurs out there. Conchita, from Argentina, is a fellatio-educated, certified dick sucker. And even though she’s only been at it for a couple years now, I have to say, she’s fantastico. She does everything, including that thing around the rim. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

So, life goes on, marriage goes on, and before you know it, now Janine doesn’t want me groping her breasts anymore. But I have to play with her breasts! That’s what I am: a breast man. When I eat fried chicken, always the breast.  I can nail down a woman’s breast size from a mile away. Every time. No more breasts? Guess what? That’s right, Janine has a solution for that too.

Her name is Inga, she’s from Sweden, and she’s got helluva set of knockers. 36 Double Dee. Just like Dolly Parton.

She looks like Dolly Parton, too. 9 to 5 Dolly Parton. All big and blonde and bouncing all over the place. I swear, I could get lost up in those things. Janine has nice breasts, but 36 Double Dee. Forget about it. There’s only one problem. Now, Janine doesn’t even want to make love anymore.

She has a solution for that, too. According to Janine, she’s found a vagina girl. That’s right, apparently they now make stand-ins that will go all the way. Her name is Aariak and she’s an Eskimo. Seriously. She’s an Inuit Indian from the Arctic Circle. One thing I can tell you: she really knows how to keep her man warm at night.

So now, whenever I want to ask Janine for sex, all she has to do is make four phone calls, schedule four appointments, and as fast as you can Jack Sprat there we are: Asa, Conchita, Inga, and Inuit. It couldn’t have worked out better if I had planned it myself.

I love my wife. I love being married to a beautiful woman, and I love being rich. We have the best marriage in the whole goddamn world, and the sex? Oh my, it don’t get no better than this. Ain’t life grand?