Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m more excited for: a new Transformers movie or this brand new swimming pool I’m having put in my backyard. I feel like every Transformers movie is better than the last one, except Bumblebee. John Cena was good in Bumblebee though! He’s basically as big as some of the Transformers, which is kind of crazy. My wife says that John Cena is her celebrity hall pass. She also said that Mark Wahlberg was her hall pass too after she watched Transformers: Age Of Extinction. If I took my wife to Rise of the Beasts, she’d probably say that Ron Perlman is her hall pass as well. My wife says that I am not allowed to have any hall pass celebrities though, which seems a little unfair. I mean, it’s not like Sally Field would be interested in me anyways. In any case, I am looking forward to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts and my new above-ground pool, both of which are coming very soon.

Asteroid City

To start with a positive, Asteroid City has Tom Hanks in it, who I love from Turner & Hooch. Otherwise, I’m not sure this film is calling to me. There’s a lot of good actors here, but what is this movie even about? I like it when trailers tell me everything that’s going to happen so that I’m not surprised when I go to the theater. I mean, who wants to be surprised? Sure, there are sometimes good surprises like finding out you can secure financing for a new pool. But there’s also bad surprises like when you find out that children secretly call you “Dummy” and “Dumbster” behind your back while making fun of the lime green swimsuit you bought for your new pool. Seeing Asteroid City would probably be closer to an eldest daughter calling you “Dumbster” surprise than a securing pool financing surprise. With all that said, I will probably be skipping this one.

Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny

Like many, I am of the opinion Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is Steven Spielberg’s best film. So I am sad to see him step away in favor of a new director. With that said, I can’t wait to see what Indianapolis and his crew get up to in this one. Now I never watched Fleabag because I have a hard time understanding British people, but I’ve been told Phoebe Waller-Bridge is quite funny, which is great because I love to laugh. I do not, however, love to be laughed at, which is something that I feel like I continually have to remind my family about. Ultimately, a new pool isn’t supposed to be a funny thing, but around my house it’s the equivalent to Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

Also, when I was young, a teacher told me that I looked a little like Harrison Ford, so I have always counted him as one of my favorite actors. That teacher ended up getting fired for buying high schoolers beer, but a compliment is a compliment and Ford is pretty much always great. I’m already researching a brand new fedora to buy to wear to the movie and then in my new pool, once it is installed.


I’m on the fence about Barbie. Recently I asked my daughter if she wanted to go see it, and she said, “Yeah,” and then she paused for like 10 seconds before eventually saying, “but not with you.” Then I asked my wife if she wanted to go see it, and she called me a pervert, so it’s all a bit confusing. Barbie feels like one of those movies that someone will have to explain to me why it’s good after the fact. My wife’s father, Jim, saw the trailer for Barbie and seemed really interested. He’s also been pretty against this whole pool thing, which is strange considering he has a pool of his own in his yard. I’m hoping Barbie might provide us with some bonding opportunities and help me get some clarity on this pool thing and why he doesn’t seem to like me as a human.


I think this movie looks pretty spectacular, but when my wife saw the press for it she said it was a metaphor for our marriage. I asked her to explain the metaphor thing so that I could better understand her point and then she did with such staggering clarity that all I could do was stay quiet the rest of the night. I thought she was mostly mad about the pool, but I guess there’s a bunch of other stuff too. In her own words, “the pool was just the most recent example of a marriage that just isn’t working.” I think when the August heat hits, she, and our children, are going to sing a much different tune when it comes to this sweet-ass pool.

As a fan of Peaky Blinders, I can’t wait for Oppenheimer so I can see my man Tommy Shelby save humanity from a giant bomb. I actually don’t really know the real-life story, so hopefully I can learn a little bit and tell my wife why her metaphor about our marriage was wrong.

Meg 2: The Trench

The same weekend that the pool goes in will also, evidently, be the same weekend that my wife and kids move out. The Meg 2: The Trench will be released this weekend as well. So overall, the weekend is going to be something of a mixed bag.

I definitely plan on checking The Meg 2 between backstrokes in my new pool and calls that go directly to my wife’s voicemail. I think The Trench could be a good one for me as I see a lot of myself in the Meg. We’re both misunderstood creatures who fundamentally love to swim.