By staff writer John Marcher

I recently stopped in at a local Don Pablo’s in an attempt to wait out rush hour traffic. Now, if you’re not familiar with the Baltimore/Washington DC area then you probably wouldn’t otherwise know, but traveling at rush hour on a weekday is a fucking nightmare. So, in an attempt to diffuse this quandary I packed a fatty-fatty stiff-stiff into my one-hitter and decided the only way to weather this storm was to locate a margarita larger than my head.

Thirty minutes later I was knee deep in a chimichanga and pissing like a racehorse. And in between my frequent visits to the bathroom I made a startling discovery: single people wear the ugliest fucking jackets around. But this nugget of intoxicated clairvoyance was only the first link in a long chain of observations and subsequent conclusions that I was able to make. Allow me to articulate.

1. Single people are ugly.

There is a reason these people are single, and it has nothing to do with what’s on the inside.

2. Single people regularly dine at restaurants, by themselves.

Even Darwin couldn't explain how ugly people continue to procreate.

One of the ugly/single ladies I observed waddled in with her purple 1980’s style jogging suit top and eyed me ferociously for what must have been sitting in her regular spot. She then greeted the waiter with patented familiarity and proceeded to read her Danielle Steele novel, oblivious to the world around her. Without prompting, the waiter brought her what must have been her regular order of nachos supreme. It was at this point I began to realize that my view of going out to a restaurant to eat differed greatly from this woman’s, and I began to wonder why.

When I think of going to a restaurant I am flooded with memories of good times with family, friends, and to a somewhat lesser extent girlfriends. It is an experience inherently synonymous with social interaction for me, and I thought I shared this viewpoint with the vast majority of society. I admit to you that on this day I was in fact dining by myself, but this was a rare occurrence, and thinking back to the moment when it had last happened, I remembered it was something ugly like three years time.

But here was this lady, eating all by herself, reading her book, stuffing nachos supreme into her mouth as if she were allergic to congealing, seemingly totally content.

It was so mind-boggling to me, this line of reasoning, and as I observed the scene before me, I began to realize that this wasn’t some freak occurrence (literally). There were multiple single/ugly people eating by themselves, either quietly enjoying their food or reading a periodical of some type, all of them exuding a sense of content familiarity that made it clear it wasn’t there first time in this environment. I started looking at each of them, trying to understand what must have occurred for their lives to spin so wildly out of control. The overriding theme of my thoughts was that these people were single, ugly, and had nothing better to do than to go through the motions of “being a valuable member of society.” They were feigning participation in a time-honored practice of the human race. These people had literally given up on themselves. And it was this last conclusion that really hit home for me.

3. Single people wear ugly-ass jackets.

These single/ugly people (hereafter referred to as “Lepers”) put little to no effort into their homely appearances. What a conservation of resources, I thought. How nice would it be to go through life never having to worry about how you looked? Some of you might say that’s actually what happens when you get married, but even then you could have an annoying spouse (read: WIFE) on your case about how you should dress for the company holiday party.

Single people have no one to impress, and better yet no one to answer to. Once they hit middle age, even their parents develop a lack of direction due to failing eyesight (and expectations). Imagine waking up every day and dressing for sheer comfort. (Let me tell you something, if I was single and ugly, I would have the biggest collection of sweatpants on the Eastern seaboard.) This negligence of such a large category of personal expenditures truly results in tremendous savings and fiscal prosperity.

Lepers are, simply put, the next step in social evolution. By not investing in their appearance and developing excess body fat in case of famine Lepers have accumulated vast amounts of wealth and taken the next step in adapting to the environment. Beyond that—as they have no immediate family—they only have to take care of themselves! This means even further conservation AND concentration of resources.

4. Single people will one day rule the planet.

And that is exactly why I am here today to warn each and every one of you of the growing proliferation of ugly single people in our society. Their numbers are growing by the day, and eventually they will run out of places to eat and begin to crowd our bars and clubs. This is why we must take action immediately, by attacking the very choking point of their entire infrastructure: sperm banks.

You see, the Lepers made one gigantic mistake in their plan. As they are single and ugly by definition, they have no chance of passing on their young. Because of this, the Leper population is heavily dependant on in-vitro fertilization. So break out the Anarchist Cookbook, round up your attractive and socially coherent friends, and make sure you destroy all traces of the venomous Leper seed that is slowly poisoning our society.

Much like a good episode of The Simpsons, this rant has ended far from where it started, and if I have not garnered your allegiance in this cause I can only implore you to investigate the circumstances yourself. But you had better hurry, I hear the traffic on the way to Don Pablo’s is a fucking nightmare at this hour.