Throughout my feebly short life I've had entirely too much experience drunk dialing. I don’t know what it is about me that makes the idea of ex-girlfriends, Jack-in-the-Box and old hook-ups so enticing at three o’clock in the morning, but even on nights when I tell myself over and over again not to call anyone, when it comes time to either hit the sack or party on, my hand dives into my pocket, flips open my phone, and dials away.

But it’s not only me calling others that has become a problem. What’s happening now is that I’m receiving important phone calls when I’m drunk, and therefore involving myself in something I like to call Alcoholic Answering. I have since learned to let calls go to voicemail so I can listen and devise a plan before calling them back. The number of times I have actually followed through with this logic can be counted with my elbow.

Below are seven drunken phone conversations I have had over the years. All of them are true, at least to my best recollection, which I’ll be the first to admit is absolutely terrible.

Don’t be like me.

1. Walking back from the bars to find my girlfriend:

Allen: Where are you?
Bonnie: Your house – do you need me to come get you from the bars again?
Allen: No I walked back.
Bonnie: Allen that’s like three miles.
Allen: Three miles ain’t got shit on me. I’ll fucking kill three miles.
Bonnie: Allen, where are you?
Allen: Going to your house to pick you up.
Bonnie: But I’m at your house.
Allen: Gimme like thirty seconds I’ll be outside.
Bonnie: No, Allen, I’m at your house. I’m at the annex with the other guys and-
Allen: About ten steps I’ll be at your door.
Bonnie: Jesus Christ Allen I’m at YOUR HOUSE. On 19th and 47th just before-
Allen: Bonnie they won’t let me into your house.
Bonnie: OH MY FUCKING GOD I’M NOT AT MY HOU-

Allen: I’m going to try the back entrance. Wish me luck babe!

2. Calling my mom after a night of vodka, Red Bull, and pondering my collegiate direction:

Allen: Hi Mom.
Mom: Allen?
Allen: Yup, just me. So I was thinking about my major. I’m not sure I want to do the sales program anymore. It seems like a bunch of heavily made up girls with push-up bras and big teeth and a few tooly guys with poorly-ironed shirts and ugly ties.
Mom: Can we talk about this tomorrow?
Allen: Why tomorrow? Seize the day, Madre! I’m thinking either marketing or communications. I know I just want to work at the hospital, but I want to have options once I get hired on full-time. I think I’ll start as a family Services Coordinator and then move up from there. I’ll always write on the side, but to be financially stable solely on book income is kind of impractical. Unless I got some gigantic book deal I’ll probably stay at the hospital until I’m bangin’ old.
Mom: Allen it’s 4:30 in the morning.
Allen: Hey, you guys had coke benders, we have Red Bull. Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed all the COM classes I’ve taken so far, not to mention the fact that I literally set the curve in just about every class. Marketing seems kind of obvious and I spend most of the classes in amazement at other’s stupidity as they analyze Jeep advertisements.
Mom: I’m going to bed.
Allen: Fine, I’ll call Dad.
Mom: He’s laying next to me.
Allen: I’d probably just put him on the phone then if I were you. Better than having it ring again, right?

3. Calling my girlfriend from South Padre Island:

Allen: I think I’m lost.
Bonnie: How are you lost?
Allen: Well, me and Chris got kicked out of the club and then snuck back in and hid under the stage and then got caught and ran and jumped over the fence and fell through a tree and ran and ran and ran and now I don’t know where I am.
Bonnie: Where’s Chris?
Allen: Probably in jail.
Bonnie: Oh my God!
Allen: Nah it’s cool he was in jail last week too; he’ll be fine.
Bonnie: Allen, you need to find him!
Allen: I think I’m being chased.
Bonnie: By who? Allen, you need to call the police!
Allen: Meh. They don’t look too threatening. I should probably put down the phone though so I can run faster. Who knew Spring Break would be such a good workout?!

4. Receiving a call from a random number late one Friday night:

Allen: Who is this?
Random Girl: It’s me, from last week – remember?
Allen: Oh yeah, the girl where the condom broke so I crushed up Plan B and put it in your Gatorade and gave it to you under the disguise of caring for your well-being.
RandomGirl: (Gasp!!!)
Allen: Wait, no, nevermind. That was the ZTA. You were the really hot one from Finn’s. But you’re a liberal, right? I wouldn’t need to buy Plan B with you.

-Click-

5. Calling my old Food and Beverage Manager:

David: (groggily) Hello?
Allen: Hi David, it's Allen. I feel really bad about not covering those three days at work.
David: What?
Allen: You know, you asked me to cover for Johnny that one weekend but I wanted to go to Whistler and hook up with that blonde girl in the white swimsuit next to the hot tub and&endash;
David: Allen, what the fuck are you talking about?
Allen: Can I have my job back?
David: You haven’t worked here for two years.
Allen: Yeah but being fired made me feel bad.
David: You voluntarily quit. Are you stoned?
Allen: I love you David.
David: (Sigh) Love you too, Waters.
Allen: So see you Monday?

-Click-

6. Calling a girl I wanted to come over:

Allen: Hi Casey! Remember me?!
Casey: Huh?
Allen: It's me, Allen. The guitar guy. Remember? I even knew that one Sense Field song you claimed no one had heard of.
Casey: Yeah…

Allen: Oh come on! We hung out for like two hours!
Casey: What did you say your name was again?
Allen: Fuck this; I’m calling Chelsea.
Casey: Relax Allen, I’m kidding. We’ve been hooking up for almost a month now you dork. And wait, who the fuck is Chelsea? Are you fucking playing me?
(Long silence)
Allen: I really need a girlfriend.

7. Calling an ex-girlfriend during a night of drunken nostalgia:

Allen: So what are you up to these days?
Jess: Just hanging out with my husband; still trying to play soccer whenever I-
Allen: Nice talking to you!

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.