Look, I'm just trying to be part of this thing. It's a lot to catch up on and I don't know what has happened, but I know some of their names and I know people die. I'm not an expert, but then again: Who is? The amount I know should be exactly enough to predict what happens in the final season. Here are some educated guesses about what happens in season 8 of Game of Thrones.
Season 8, Episode 1: Tyrion Lannister Dies
He dies immediately when season 8 starts. Like. In the first minute. Don't get attached to him. Actually, he stabs himself by mistake when he's cutting meat for dinner one night and they don't have antibiotics. No one finds the jewel that they're all killing each other over.
Episode sword count: 20 Swords.
Season 8, Episode 2: Daenerys Trades Her Dragons For Dogs
There was too much fire. I didn't watch it, but I can just imagine that there was probably too much fire and smoke. Dragons are the chickens of the fantasy world. Chickens make eggs, dragons make fire. It's just what happens and they can't help it. Dogs are just more practical, or so Daenerys thinks, but there is a lot more stepping in dog shit that happens in season 8. She has to really schedule out her time to make sure the dog goes out every few hours. WAG, the dog walking app, sponsors this episode.
Episode sword count: 3 swords.
Season 8, Episode 3: Cersei Goes Brunette
That's pretty much it. It's a chill episode. I feel like her bone structure can handle it.
Episode sword count: 1 and it's just for cutting hair.
Season 8, Episode 4: Khal Drogo Enjoys A Snowball Fight During The GOT Christmas Special
Oh shit, yeah they have a Christmas special. I forgot to say that before. This is what they meant by “winter is coming.” There's a Christmas special and there's some light-hearted, no-sword fun. Khal gets messed up on mulled wine and shaves off his beard. Then Titalon Sterl, the Man with the Dragon Tattoo, decides to show off the fact that he can play piano and they all sing and hang out and there's a slow zoom out of a frosted window and then a snowman winks at the camera knowingly while “Auld Lang Syne” plays in the background. No one wins the jewel yet.
Episode sword count: 0
Season 8, Episode 5: Ed Sheeran Sings, Like, 4 Times And Then Dies
I heard that he didn't even sing the last time he was on the show. So this season will be an upgrade. It turns out that Ed Sheeran swallowed the jewel that everyone has been fighting over and he pukes it up after some bad ale.
Episode sword count: 2
Season 8, Episode 6: There Is a Blue Wedding
There was a red wedding and now there's a blue one. Everything will be blue—and everyone will be told to wear blue. One girl will wear red because she forgot which wedding she was going to and her head will get chopped off. Cersei gets married to Bork, Father of Leaves, and then he'll cheat on her with the dragon mom. Then they'll all find out they're cousins.
Episode sword count: 45
Season 8, Episode 7: Arya Stark Wins
She's the little girl, right? Cool. Then yes: She wins the jewel that everyone really wants and has been fighting over the whole 8 seasons. I feel like my roommate once said that her sister died. That sucks. So, yeah—she definitely wins.
Episode sword count: 4
Season 8, Episode 8: Reunion Show
It's like a Bravo reunion but it has more swords. It is also hosted by Andy Cohen. In this episode, Andy Cohen gets a sword.
Episode sword count: 8 + Andy Cohen's sword