To All Students and Faculty:
Greetings. I hope this letter finds you all well.
I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize for my actions at last night's annual Faculty-Student basketball game. I deeply regret ruining what in the past has been such an enjoyable and rewarding event for everyone involved.
Honestly, I don't know what came over me. Perhaps it was the thrill of competition or the adrenaline I felt from playing in front of such a magnificent crowd. Or perhaps the stress of my ongoing divorce manifested itself into a blinding rage once my skills, or "skillz" as my former students would say, were put to the test on the basketball court. Regardless, my aggression was completely uncalled for and I apologize profusely.
I understand that as a teacher it is my duty to nurture and protect the young students entrusted to my care. It is not my duty to ensure I lead my team to victory "by any means necessary," as I screamed over and over again at the students' team bench. My actions last night were the very opposite of good sportsmanship. Viciously fouling a grown man to prevent a basket would have been wrong, but to do so to a 12-year-old is simply reprehensible. There is no honor is receiving a flagrant foul in a student-faculty game. None whatsoever.
In addition, referring to my students as "punk-ass bitches" or mockingly screeching "air ball" after a missed basket was a severe error in judgment. I understand now that trash talking, no matter how colorful and creative, is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. It can only serve to damage the already fragile egos of these pre-teens, and that is very, very wrong.
It is overly regrettable how I acted in front of these students, especially 5th grader Megan Rose. I owe her a special apology as that young lady did not deserve the brunt of my rage. It was not her fault she was selected by her team to guard me during the game. Or should I say, attempt to guard me, as I was a mere two steals away from registering an impressive triple-double. Despite her best efforts, I am a basketball machine and when guarded closely, I strike like an animal backed into a corner. Megan, please know that remarkable strides have been made in the field of cosmetic surgery and I am confident you will find a surgeon capable of repairing the damage to your nose and cheekbone inflicted by my elbow.
The shame I feel from my antics, however, hardly ends with my actions towards the students. I would also like to apologize to my fellow instructors and teammates. I realize now that more so than anything else, the point of this contest was to have fun for a good cause. It was not to win at any cost. I do not even know where to begin in order to explain my actions to you all. That was an ugly, ugly side of me that you saw last night, a side I hope you never see again. I know that I have forever disgraced the concept of athletic competition and I am deeply sorry.
I feel it necessary to also extend a special apology to my teammate, colleague, and most importantly, friend, Ms. Vigue, our beloved art teacher. I certainly know I would not like to have a basketball launched full force at my head from close range if I displayed what someone considered to be "lack of hustle," and I was completely in the wrong to do the same to you. I can only hope we are able to continue our working relationship in the future and that you will not press charges.
I also wish to ask forgiveness from Girl Scout Troop #546, which the school was raising money for. Proclaiming myself to be the "Hardwood Jesus" and violently overturning the table at which you were collecting donations following my sole successful three-point attempt of the night was both completely uncalled for and, from all accounts, completely terrifying. I'm fairly confident that 9-year-old girls don't even understand what "moneychangers" is a reference to, and screaming it in their faces only added to their confusion and terror. The Davignon Middle School gymnasium is in no way, shape, or form "my house" and should be treated with more respect than I showed.
I can only hope that the amount of funds raised before my actions caused the spectators in the gym to flee toward the exits will be enough to both re-furnish your rec room and to offset the damage I did to your van. I have no idea where I obtained that frying pan or how I was able to shatter your windshield with that many security guards attempting to restrain me.
I also would like to apologize to Officer Rogers. I pray that there will be no permanent marks left on your person.
Finally, to our beloved school mascot, the Davignon Devil, let me go on record to say that although I could not see your tears under that mask, I am sure they were streaming down your face. I am so sorry for the horrible, horrible things I said and did. Those obscene gestures I made to you will no doubt haunt both of us for years to come.
Again, to all those affected by my actions, please accept my deepest and most heartfelt apologies.
Take care and good luck with the remainder of the school year. I am anxious to see you all next fall. Or when my anger management counselor, Dr. Marc Tereu, deems me fit to reenter society, whichever comes first. In the meantime, I will be practicing my slider for our annual Faculty-Student softball game.
Mr. Matthew Hulten
6th Grade English Teacher (on leave)