CBS Vice President

Pretty lofty goal, very unrealistic, but I did participate in the TV club during college. I also wanted to be a journalist for like, half a semester, so I guess it has some sort of accuracy. Big paycheck, bigger flex, completely impossible interview likelihood. This job is four cover letters out of seven.

Truck Driver

LinkedIn apparently doesn’t know that I once got a ticket for running two stoplights in a row. I also do not own a car and have not driven in over a year. Sitting backward on trains makes me sick and sitting forward behind the wheel is a death sentence. I should not be driving anyone or anything to any location. This job is one dead body out of ten.

Freelance Content Editor

This is remarkably close to what my actual job is right now. However, this one requires 7-10 years of experience, and I don’t even know how my company makes money. Not a clue. I think it is related to advertising? Or marketing? Are those the same thing? Every time I ask about it, someone laughs. It is not a joke. How do I make money? This job is two years of experience out of 10, apparently.

Strategist, Influencer Marketing

What do any of these words mean, and furthermore what do they mean when they’re next to each other? My degree was in English. Yes, it was stupid but it already happened. Hindsight is 20/20. I have no idea how to strategize for marketing for influencers. I can’t even influence an algorithm. This job is 1,983 likes out of a trillion.

Comedy Central Social Media Editor

This is very nice, I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t performed in so long! I don’t really think I’m that funny, but I mean if you guys wanna hear my set about hairdryers…. This job is a tight five out of an hour.

Brand Ambassador

This is somehow the only thing I am overqualified for. I also have no idea what this job actually is. A lot of girls I follow on Instagram have this in their bio. The brand is just boobs and big sneakers from what I can tell. Somehow I can afford neither. I want what they have. This job is six levels wrapped into one way to be your own boss.

Dolphin Trainer

At this point, I might as well apply. I’ve seen pictures of dolphins. They eat like… fish and bread I think. Wait never mind, this calls for two years of photography experience. This job is two dolphin trainers who are better qualified out of one.