Greetings, alphas. I’m Grigorii Rasputin. I’ve been called a prophet, a soothsayer, and a charlatan—but I’m also known as “Russia’s Greatest Love Machine.” In this article, I give you ten fool-proof moves to help you pick up women in bars, at the office, or in the Tsar’s inner circle. These tactics will work even if you’ve never spoken to a woman in your life—whether you’re a defrocked priest, or just a little shy. Now, let us pray.

1. Approach Her the Right Way

I used to go up to women and say, “Hey, I’m Grigorii. I’m from a small village in Tyumensky district of Tobolsk Governorate. Where are you from?”

WRONG! Women don’t care where you’re from. Try something more personal: “My dear, you wouldn’t have English blood, would you?” or, “Your eyes are sad. Tell me: Are you suffering badly?” Make it about her.

2. Rethink Your Style

Before you enter any Petersburg salon, consider what your clothes and grooming say about you. Women love my disheveled look: traditional Siberian trousers, peasant smock, and navel-length beard. As I always say, homeliness is godliness, and godliness is the power to turn your raw, sexual energy against defenseless young lambs.

3. Make Eye Contact

The unbroken stare is an excellent seduction tool, especially if you have sunken eye sockets and black eyes that shine like the Devil’s. Eye contact is a great way to exert your spiritual will and force her into a trance.

4. Go for the Vulnerable Ones

When a female’s mate leaves her side for a moment—to grab more drinks, or to oversee the Russian army in World War I—that’s when you pounce! Let her know that you are a Man of God, and you’re there to support her during her spiritual crisis. Remind her that God is Love, love is God, and that if she loves, God will forgive her. As I always tell my brothers: the distance from the ikon corner to the bedroom is shorter than you think…

5. Initiate Touch

Ask a woman if she is ailing, and then lay your hand upon her shoulder and pray. Tell her that your prayer is healing. If she’s wearing a ring, ask her to give you her hand and then breathe on the ring and warm it. Tell her that the breath of your soul will ease her pain. Remember: physical contact allows you to transmit the current of your will.

6. Compliment Her

Your compliments must always issue forth from your spiritual authority. For example: “Your dynasty handled the disintegration of feudalism so well… I like that in a girl… Have you ever kissed a peasant?”

7. Try Negging

Sometimes women put on airs. Maybe she’s the empress consort, and you’re the eighth guy offering to buy her a drink that night. In these cases, you must defile her pride and win her obedience. Here are some lines to try:

  • “Members of the Romanov house do not usually tempt me, but I suppose I might make an exception tonight.”
  • “What a fetching waistline—is it natural or corseted?”
  • “I never would have taken you for an inbred German princess.”

8. Ask Her Questions

Ask her what she thinks about current events to show you’re paying attention. Like: “What do you think about the war, my clever girl? How will the rations affect the Russian rail industry? Is your husband going to betray the Triple Entente?”

9. Get In with Her Family

When pursuing a toothsome young mother, be sure to emphasize your spiritual powers over children. If you notice her hemophilic child is bleeding, seal his wound with your lips and draw the sins forth from his blood. Trust me—she’ll find a way to repay your kindness…

10. Be a Little Dangerous

Women love danger. Try speaking in riddles and alluding to your sorcery practice. Tell her that you have many enemies, that people are trying to kill you. Threaten that her rejection of you will lead to the downfall of Russia. Here’s one of my go-to lines: “Remember, my clever girl, if you kill Rasputin, it will be the end of Russia. They will bury us together.”

If you’ve enjoyed these tips, sign up for my 7-day pick-up artist boot camp. With my coaching, you, too, can score a high-value girlfriend and her five sickly children. Remember, you’re not a creep or a usurper… you’re just a cool peasant living the good life: big money, beautiful women, unilateral control of the Russian state. God Bless!