Following my brief but notable stand-up comedy career, I’ve decided to pivot and focus all of my creative energies on starting a podcast.

Based on the way you, my beautiful spouse, reacted the last time I decided to throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams (and the time before that and the time before that and …), I’m guessing you’ll have some questions. In an effort to save time, I’ve taken the liberty of creating the following Frequently Asked Question guide, so I can spend more time focusing on my podcast and less time answering your well-meaning but naive questions about this creative endeavor that's guaranteed to change our lives.

What will it cost?

Nothing! In fact, sweetie, there’s a very real chance it’ll make us rich beyond our wildest dreams once the sponsorships start rolling in, probably a few months after we launch…

For real, what will it cost?

Well, it's not a cost per se, but there is will be a very small upfront investment… just to start. So I’ll need a good-quality microphone, a pop filter, a boom, some basic recording and editing software, ditto design software (you do want us to show up in iTunes, right?), a hosting account and maybe a vanity URL. Like I said, we’ll make this back in a few weeks… a couple months tops. You need to think of this as an investment. Oh, and I should probably soundproof the basement, too.

How much?

Most people would need at least $15K, but I can do it for as little as $12K. Also, on a related note, the credit card is maxed out so do you think we can get another loan from your dad?

How often are you going to do it?

We’ll probably start out slow, every other week or so, before we move to weekly or twice weekly casts. But you have to understand something: Podcasting is a lot like house painting; the real work is done during prep. That could come to 35-45 hours per week easy. I’ve already talked to Stephen about going part time. If he doesn’t approve the move, I’ll have no choice but to quit my job. So you’ll probably want to pick up some extra shifts at the hospital. Oh, and don’t forget to ask your dad about the loan.

“We?” Who’s doing the podcast with you?

Justin.

Justin Pack or Justin Thomas?

Neither. Phi Delt Justin. You know, Sleeping Bear?

You’re not seriously thinking about doing the one about Grey’s Anatomy, what did you call it?

Guys and Grey’s, and you’re damn right that’s what we’re doing. There’s an untapped market of male Grey’s Anatomy fans (Bronatomy Bros is what they call themselves on Reddit) who would absolutely eat up a podcast about the riveting storylines, complex characters and nuanced dialogue Grey’s has been consistently delivering for the last 53 seasons. Men deserve a Grey’s Anatomy podcast, and you know damn well Justin and I are the only ones who could do that podcast justice.

Look, it’s a cute idea and all, but hasn’t it already been done? Like isn’t it the same as Gilmore Guys?

Oh my god! Do you even listen to me? Gilmore Guys is a sham! Those guys aren’t true fans. I bet they had the idea for the podcast and then started watching the show. They may have even stolen the idea from us. Justin says his cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who used to date this girl who used to party with Demi Adejuyigbe. Justin says he wouldn’t be surprised if he told his cousin about our podcast idea and the Gilmore Guys stole it.

Fine. But you’re still going to coach Meredith's soccer team, right?

Of course! And I’ll even help out with Derek’s Tee-ball team. In fact, I’ll remain heavily involved in the social activities of both of my biological children. But Stefania is a different story. You know you're daughter's never really liked me.

That’s fair. So, like, is Guys and Grey's gonna have a theme song?

Of course it's gonna have an original theme song! Every serious, professional podcast has an original theme song!

Can my brother do the theme song?

Look, I know he’s family and all, but this whole “seeing where the music thing takes me” is starting to come off as desperate at this point. What has it been 2 or even 3 years since his band was on Fallon? He’s certainly milked that for all it’s worth. And yeah, they played Coachella. But who hasn’t played Coachella? It’s not like they played the main stage. I love your brother and all, but honestly, I feel sorry for the guy. It’s so sad when people just can’t see what’s plain as day to the rest of the world. It’s just not gonna happen for him. So listen, Justin will be here soon. Could you and the kids for a few hours or, better yet, maybe just stay at your parents tonight? Oh, and don’t forget to ask your dad about the loan. Justin says we need to get this off the ground before the podcast market gets oversaturated.


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