February 16, 2017
Office of Kellyanne Conway
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

1. Either Mike Flynn spoke to Russian leaders regarding sanctions or he did not.

2. If Mike Flynn spoke to Russian leaders regarding sanctions he did so with or without the knowledge and approval of Vice President Mike Pence.

3. If he did so without the knowledge and approval of Vice President Mike Pence, he acted wrongly.

4. If he acted wrongly, his actions either had a contingent cause or they did not.

5 .If his actions had a contingent cause, that cause was either instruction by the President or that cause was not.

6. If the cause was instruction by the President, the President had his reasons or he had none.

7. If the President had his reasons, they were either made within our shared reality or outside our shared reality.

8. If the President’s reasons were made outside our shared reality, then there is more than one reality in existence because the President can never be wrong, or there is not.

9. If there is more than one reality because the President can never be wrong, either the Mike Flynn Russia call took place in our President’s sense of reality or it did not.

10. If the Mike Flynn Russia call did not take place in our Presidents sense of reality, either there is no issue as this is the only reality that now matters or it is not.

11. If there is no issue as this is the only reality that now matters, either we can call into question Every. Single. Event. In. History we believe to be true or we can not.

12. If we can call into question Every. Single. Event. In. History. We believe to be true, we are living in a dystopian world in which words have little meaning and alternative facts govern, much like George Orwell’s 1984.

13. If we are living in a dystopian world in which words have little meaning and alternative facts govern much like George Orwell’s “1984,” it may very well be that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time or she did not.

14. If it very well may be that Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time, Taylor Swift is the greatest living American fraud in recent history and should be focused on as an enemy of the nation or she should not.

15. If Taylor Swift is the greatest living American fraud in recent history and should be focused on as an enemy of the nation, President Donald Trump cannot possibly hold this title. Period.

16. If Donald Trump cannot possibly hold this title (due to Taylor Swift’s current occupation of this office), we have now inverted any sense of what is truth and our minds are seriously confused by the inverted landscape we now occupy.

17. If we have now inverted any sense of what is truth and our minds are seriously confused by the inverted landscape we now occupy, the atoms that make up our brain matter are melting and drip, drip, dripping through the inside of our fractured skulls and pouring from our eye sockets like tears or they at least feel this way.

18. If the atoms that make up our brain matter are melting and drip, drip, dripping through the insides of our fractured skulls and pouring from our eye sockets like tears or at least feel this way, we’ve all now experienced the searing pain that I, Kellyanne Conway, experience every single passing second since starting my job as the advisor to the President.

19. If we’ve all now experience the searing pain that I, Kellyanne Conway, experience every single passing second since starting my job as the advisor to the President, we are all currently battling the overwhelming urge to march into the President’s office and hand him my signed resignation letter or we are not.

20. If we are all currently battling the overwhelming urge to march into the President's office and hand him my signed resignation letter, we are also looking at ourselves in the mirror asking “HOW. MUCH. LONGER. CAN. I. DO. THIS?” or we are not.

21. If we are also looking ourselves in the mirror asking “HOW. MUCH. LONGER. CAN. I. DO. THIS?”, we must either undermine any perception of “time” as a measurable concept in order to get through this or we must not.

22. If we undermine any perception of “time” as a measurable concept in order to get through this, there is no definitive timeline to access the damage that may or may not have been carried out by Mike Flynn’s decision to speak to Russia regarding sanctions three weeks prior to his resignation.

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