By contributing writer Pete Flies
Are you a true Playa? Yeah, you got all the ladies. But be careful, son—in this day and age, you might be taking a man back to your place without even knowing it. Modern times have faced us weekend “Playaz” with a new challenge, and that is determining whether the woman you are looking at is a woman. Make no mistake, you want a female, not a she-male.
Donning the guise of a different sex has never been less expensive; all it takes is a trip to a Goodwill store and a hundred dollars to purchase six outfits with matching pumps and a colored neck scarf to cover the Adam’s apple bulge. That’s enough outfits to make any weekday man into a weekend Lolita. Of course, as a heterosexual man, you hope not to lay with this type of person, but unfortunately it happens to the best of us Playaz and pimps. These cross-dressing charlatans can make a doodle disappear in underwear like Houdini in a coffin. You might not know the dirty dog is even in there until you go for the reach-around… and draw a foul.
Yo: clearly, any true Playa would be terribly remiss to misjudge a woman’s gender, so we Playaz have a mutual need to define the warning signs of those intent on hoodwinking us. As you study this guide, it pays to keep in mind one thing. A Playa don’t mind if you are a man and want to become a woman… a Playa just wants to know up front. A Playa cannot have his ego bruised by a fraudulent bra or hairless man. In fact, a Playa can never trust a man who hides his penis in any kind of subversive manner. No disrespect to those with alternative lifestyles and prosthetics, but as the venerable Abraham Lincoln believed, “Honesty is the best policy,” and that mug Abe was the Snoop Dogg of his era—long in the pants and G’d up from the feet up.
This guy I know, he once had an experience with one of these gender-jesters at a party, on a night when he had liberally doused himself with many rum drinks from the well. Upon meeting a nice “lady” and retiring to a quiet room for romance, he found a doodle where her hoo-hoo should have been. He became so distraught that he left the party through a window and sprained an ankle on the grassy landing below. All of this might have been avoided had he only played by the rules of “The Playaz Androgynist.”
Nevermind the ethics or issues about why some people swap their genders; that’s for psychiatrists to wrestle with. Instead, be concerned with your own defense so that a phallic collision will only be a near-miss. Study the rules of The Playaz Androgynist and apply them to your weekend thuggin’, as it were. These rules follow precedence—from the fully clothed to the undressed. Using this guide you can short-circuit how much energy you spend on any suspected man-beast. If the potential mate fails to meet the conditions of any of these rules, The Playaz Androgynist warns you to proceed further at your own peril. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of heterosexual love.
The first rule of the Playaz Androgynist is this: Assume first that every woman you see is a man. Once you start with that, move your way down this list.
1. Key on the Apple
With vigilance, like a linebacker observing how linemen present themselves after the snap, so should you observe her throat to determine gender. It is true that women have the same physiological throat structure as men, but the Adam’s apple is markedly less pronounced than that of women. How many times have you seen Jerry Springer’s guests let the stupid lover know that she is, in fact, a man? A large percentage of these “women” on Springer have protruding Adam’s apples, jutting out of their throats like the rock of Gibraltar from the Mediterranean Sea. Come on, Cletus, you know that only men have Adam’s apples. That’s why it’s his and not Eve’s.
NOTE: If you are unfortunate enough to already be kissing the man’s neck and running your tongue over that infamous apple, immediately stop what you are doing. Drop the man. Roll off the set. Call a cab, and ask the driver to take you to a public detox center for 28 days of rehab.
2. Her Shirt Buttons
If you find yourself heading for second base, make sure her shirt buttons are sewn onto the left half of her shirt, and that the button holes are on the right half. Women’s shirts have the opposite button layout of men’s shirts. Chances are he/she is already wearing women’s clothing, but nevertheless, this is a good red flag to look for in your path to the panties.
3. I “C” You
A great indication that you are with a woman is a C-Section scar from the delivery of one of her various children. Granted, this large scar in the shape of the letter “C” on her abdomen is a sign you’ve already gotten yourself involved with more than you asked for, rest assured you are bedding a woman. It’s hard to imagine a man having a C-Section scar added to his body just to lure suckers into the sack. A C-Section is a hard-earned badge of honor worn only by mothers. Treat her nicely, Playa-pimp, and wrap that rascal—she’s a fertile one.
4. Take a Cheek Swab
If you can convince her to allow you to take a sample of her inner cheek—her epithelial skin cells—by all means do so. Then find a powerful microscope and determine whether her cells contain male or female chromosomes. For this gender test, obtain a master’s degree in microbiology, or befriend a science-oriented person in your community.
Alternatively, become a sonographer and perform an ultrasound of her torso so you can identify the tell-tale yards and riggings of internal womanhood.
5. Blubber as a Bonus
Rather than disdain someone who is overweight, be thankful. It will be easier to tell if it’s a man or a woman by the location of fat accumulation. On men, fat gathers on the chest, abdomen, and back. On women, the locations are the arms, butt, and thighs. If you find yourself rolling around with a rotund person that Sir Mixalot would approve of—rejoice, for a woman is at hand.
6. Strong Enough for a Man…
In your back pocket, keep dry litmus paper to determine the pH level of her deodorant. While you’re mobbin’ the dance floor with your crunk moves and she raises up her arms in hysteria from the beat of the music, stealthily place the litmus paper on her armpit for a moment. When the song ends, retire to the restroom to determine how acidic or alkaline your own deodorant is in comparison to hers. If the pH levels don’t differ greatly, you should be suspicious. Secret deodorant is strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Watch out for the bold smells of Old Spiceâ, Speed Stickâ, and your father’s B.O.
7. Cardio Test
Men on average have hearts 25% bigger than women’s hearts, though women have often led us to believe otherwise. Lung capacity in men is also 25% higher on average. Before consummating your lust in the bedroom, invite her to run a mile with you at top speed. If she defeats you in the run or is not nearly as tired as you are when finished, abort the sexual mission. In the future, try to exercise less so that you can sleep with more of them.
8. The Monolith
You have one, I have one, but your date should not have one. If all the warning signs have failed to catch your attention, and your hand comes into contact with Mr. Winky, it is time to escape. Try not to get too angry; you probably should have known before you got this far (See The Crying Game for further details). Be sure to frantically escape and never tell anyone—unless, of course, your friends will find it funny, and even then if and only if they will refrain from christening you with an awful nickname, like “Dongbeater” or “Fluffer.” A Playa cannot go around with “Dongbeater” as his public handle.
In closing, a penis is a positive identification of manhood. Remove your hand or mouth from it, should you find yourself surprised and not enjoying it. If she’s already balls-deep on you, well, deep down you probably wanted it to happen from the start; throw Brokeback Mountain in the DVD player and let the gay times roll.