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Reluctantly, I agreed to take care of my mother’s cat while she was out of town. Being a lover of all animals, you'd think I'd have been excited - but you'd be mistaken.
Unless you can prove that you are indeed Dracula's metrosexual grandson, do not pop your collar. Pansies like you disgrace real men.
To buy a bumper sticker's worth of space on Dale Jr's car would cost somewhere north of a million bucks. But I'll let you sponsor my car for $500!
Instead of the wonderful Korean language that once filled the teacher's lounge with beauty and dignity, the atmosphere became impregnated with George Carlin rhetoric.
Every May, some University of San Francisco seniors coordinate a bar stumble to celebrate the conclusion of $160,000 and four years of boobs, booze, and SparkNotes.
I make minimum wage at a dead end job. Part of my job includes interacting with you. This means my job fucking sucks. Here's how you can make it worse.
How can the markets recover with its hands tied behind its back? The only solution anyone with common sense could come to is to deregulate Wall Street. COMPLETELY.
Groups that sum up the little things in life, but I'll never expend the energy to create. Like, 'No matter how stocked the fridge is, I never want to eat anything in it.'
My Humanities degree wasn't enough to prepare me for the prospect of the real-world, competitive unknown. Fortunately, I resembled a missing pro tennis player.
All the dusty, gold-plated, tomboy-shaped trophies that define how cool I used to be are, sadly, probably sitting on the shelves of poor children who didn't earn them.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an honor that you have all finally decided to recognize my accomplishments this evening. Now SUCK MY DICK, ASSHOLES!!
On my list of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced, getting back in shape after an eight-month hiatus from the gym would rank way up there.