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There was no better leading man than Roseanne Barr. Even though he mysteriously mensed once a month, we learned what life was really like in the blue collar trenches.
You know what? I'm terrified of babies. To me, babies are like grenades: I appreciate grenades, I love grenades…but I'm a little nervous around them.
A narcissist never washes his hands after using the restroom because he thinks, "My genitals are clean, not dirty. If everyone could touch my genitals, they would be better people."
The guy who used to make the popcorn, who is now Bruinhilda, the Spectacular Dancing Bear of the Mysterious Gypsies, tells me I got lucky.
Before I walked in to school, I took a second to look in the mirror and reassure myself that I'm powerful and people respect me and that I was going to make the kids my slaves.
As I walked up to the building for the first time, all of the altar boys in the church started pointing at me and whispering as if I was some kind of a freak.
I knew that while meeting my children that day for the first time would be a happy experience, I would be enduring the strange feeling of knowing nobody.
For most people, Alcoholics Anonymous might be a second chance, a new lease on life. For me, it was a place for people to make fun of my most vulnerable physical attributes.
My biggest fear at the cemetery was getting beat up at lunch, an occurrence that I had yet to witness happen to anyone on any of my other first days of digging holes.
I will never forget my first day at Kingston Penitentiary. It didn't take more than a second or two for my fears to be validated, as inmates started pointing and whistling at me.
For most people, the first day of school is an exciting opportunity to reunite with friends and start a new year with a clean slate. For me, it was pure fear of the unknown.
Be on the lookout for these five indicators of danger and you'll soon be sweating ancient Chinese wisdom and fortune... or at the very least have a less painful life.