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When Lisa got bored and snuck a peek at the cobwebs, Julie told everyone about Lisa’s crush on your dandruffy history teacher.
For me, satire is more than a literary genre. It’s the freedom to say whatever I want and not be accountable for any of it because “I’m just kidding.”
Mario is the lust for violence incarnate wrapped in a disguise of respectability. Those green pipes you see are hardly plumbing simulators.
Okay, we’re a large part of literally every war, but so are doctors and no one blames them.
My life—the sophomore outing by parents William and Eloise Cunningham—begins confidently enough in suburban Nebraska.
There isn't a law on the books or rule of decorum that will get us to budge. Civilization has no hold over us this deep in the crowd.
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
We ask that you fill out all forms in pencil for this very reason; your forms are illegible because the ink has run everywhere due to your tears.
1. Avoid the hospital. Doctors are for women, children, and Abercrombie & Fitch shoppers. You’re a man with capable hands and DIY spirit.
QUARTER-BIRTHDAY: We'll kick things off with a low-key brunch nine months in advance of my birthday.
Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so.
Obsession: Refresh Zillow every three minutes. Ignore texts from your friends. Optimize your meals by blending your food & sipping it from a thermos.