I did it bitches. I fuckin' healed the world. I just GDCed my way into the hearts and minds of billions of people and cured cancer. That sweet techno beat I threw down on the chorus underneath those buttery lyrics is so money that it eliminated world poverty. This shit ends war as enemies will inevitably join in hand and voice belting out those meaningful words I provided at the end just so the world could sing along. And that acoustic outro is like a post-sex cigarette to help you catch your breath from the eargasm I just meloded all over you. That's right, I recorded a fuckin' hit and am now announcing my retirement from the industry, effective immediately.

I will not be finishing an album much less another song. It may have taken mere hours to chisel out my David, but some people are just better at shit like this than others. Once the lyrically-induced, worldwide orgy subsides, people are gonna be craving more. Thankfully, there's a repeat setting on your iPod so you'll have all you need of my nectary, music goodness.

Who wants to deal with all the critics, anyway? If I were to pump out a second masterpiece, they would just say, "His last one was known to sporadically cure deafness, but…" and that's not right. All of my music cures deafness. I say fuck the critics, I gave them that hearing.

Gold iPod Shuffle
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And then there would be endless lines of people simply looking to brush up against me because I am "Maestro Theresa." I'll take that gender confused, yet media-friendly bullshit from a distance thank you. My work has earned me the right to dive back into a private life whenever the fuck I feel like it.

Nah, I'm just playin'. It's not about any of that. Do you have any idea how much I am worth? Me neither, but I will be bleeding green when this shit is over. For now, I just got myself some really tight and pricey jeans and I'm gonna spend the next 45 minutes putting them on. I noticed a pack of wild paparazzi grazing on my front lawn and I want my first pictures as a hero to depict a man with some million dollar moose knuckle and good taste.

This isn't the last you'll see of me, don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself out there and fuck a lot of A-list tail and pop up all over Perez Hilton's blog. You'll vicariously live through me and my penis while you are rocking out to the song that truly changed everything. I will be the one hit wonder of the world. Oh yeah, buy my song.