Player: Jesus Christ
Position: Point Guard
Height: Accounts vary
Scouting Report: Jesus Christ brings a robust following as well as the ability to do some pretty amazing things off the court to whatever team that decides to draft him. While turning water into wine won’t necessarily help closing out on threes, Jesus’ calmness under pressure and ability to accurately foretell the future should help come playoff time. What Jesus lacks in height, he more than makes up for with solid conditioning, patience, and an all-around infectious personality. A pass-first, shoot-second player, Jesus’ selfless approach to the game makes him the kind of player who can slide into most situations and find success. Downsides: the Apostles could serve as a potential distraction. And yeah, admittedly, there is a bit of a God complex to contend with. With all that said, we think Jesus is more than capable of rising to the occasion and any team would be lucky to have him.
Player Comparison: Steve Nash
Player: Abraham Lincoln
Position: Power Forward
Height: 6’4, 6′ 10 with hat
Scouting Report: Good locker room guy and solid all-around leader who is prone to powerful speeches and getting the most out of those around him. His midwestern roots have provided a work ethic that is hard to match. Lincoln’s height allows for solid post play and above-average rebounding, both of which should help make him a lottery pick. Overall, he’s an incredibly resilient player who will bring a tactical approach to each and every matchup. Downsides include: overall melancholy and propensity to see theater productions with limited security, both of which can be managed with the right infrastructure. Averaging 4 score and 7 points per game is obviously out of the question, but we project that Lincoln could be a perennial 20 and 10 guy and a candidate for multiple all-defensive teams.
Player Comparison: Giannis Antetokoumpo
Player: Napoleon Bonaparte
Position: Shooting Guard
Scouting Report: A fiery competitor who is willing to do whatever is needed to win, Napoleon has slid in many mock drafts due to his off-the-court persona. A leader and court general through and through, Bonaparte may prove difficult to coach and would make for one of the shortest players the league has ever seen. But if brought into the right system, few players will give you more over the course of 48 minutes. This is a guy who was successfully able to maneuver himself from being born in an obscure French village to ruling most of Europe, so if he puts his mind on something, like on-ball defense or boxing out, you can have faith he’s going to get it done. Other possible downsides include his smoldering anger and the complex that was named after him, both of which could lead to Bonaparte giving Rasheed Wallace’s single-season technical foul record a run for its money. Under the right circumstances however, we believe he could have a meaningful and prolonged NBA career.
Player Comparison: Kobe Bryant
Player: Mary Shelley
Position: Small Forward
Scouting Report: Much like Lebron James going straight from Saint Vincent Saint Mary’s to the NBA, Mary Shelley knows a little something about finding success at a young age. Does writing the book Frankenstein as a teenager necessarily mean that Shelley will have a long and sustainable NBA career? No, but it doesn’t mean she won’t either. Used to dead weight and hangers-on in the form of her husband Percy, Mary Shelley will bring a work ethic, a sense of professionalism, and an undying devotion to the work of those around her. Whether it be her teammates on the court or her husband’s shitty writing, Mary Shelley is the consummate teammate and any team would be lucky to have her. We view Shelley as a glue guy on a contending team.
Player Comparison: Corliss Williamson
Player: Christopher Columbus
Position: Who cares?
Scouting Report: We don’t view Christopher Columbus as a serious NBA prospect on account of his inability to distinguish one team’s basket from the other. Some nights while playing he will simply decide that a certain hoop is the one he is supposed to try to score on and no amount of convincing or evidence will convince him otherwise. This will result in him actively scoring points for his opponent. After these games, teammates will say “Chris, why were you shooting on the wrong basket?” and he’ll say, “I wasn’t!” For this reason, we view him as a definite project; a player who might be better served returning to his home country of Italy and trying to refine his skills in a European league before making the jump to the National Basketball Association.
Player Comparison: Darko Millicic