I‘m a PROUD cat owner and I LOVE my kitty. He’s such a moody little cutie-pie! He can be a grump but he never fails to lighten my spirits and tickle my funny bone. I love him so so so SO so much!

No matter how much I love the guy, owning a pet is no walk in the park. I often stumble into my cramped New York City apartment to find the little troublemaker in the midst of the most adorable mischief. If you're a cat owner, you KNOW what I'm talking about. I've walked in on him knocking over potted plants, burying his face in a fresh pie, even (somehow!) trapping himself inside the refrigerator! I have a theory that the more trouble a kitty gets in the cuter they appear. Let me give you an example.

Cats LOVE computers. Whether it's falling asleep on the monitors or walking over the keyboard EXACTLY when you're writing an important work email, cats use computers as much as their litter box! My crabby kitty is no exception! I recently came home from a jog to find the fur-ball slamming his paws against my laptop keyboard. So cute! He looked just like me when composing my monthly newsletter. I shooed him away only to find that his random stabs at the keyboard had been recorded on a word document. My kitty had written a poem:

a creep grew up to be wretched.
a saint grew up to be cruel.
everyone ends up a failure.
everyone lives like a fool.

SO CUTE! My little Edgar Allen Paw!   I gave him a “you know you're not supposed to do that” look and he replied with a pitch-perfect “the assumption of an inevitable or primal goodness is a myth” stare. Priceless! I gave the grouch a treat.

I wish I could say that was the ONLY time I caught my prickly pet typing on my laptop but you know cats: they always do what they want! A few days later I woke up to find him at my desk, pawing the keyboard in adorable agitation. It'd be a lot easier to NOT look at my phone first thing in the morning if I could always wake up to this literal cuteness personified!  I sleepily approached my desk, only to find that he had typed another poem:

whenever my pride
smooths over my shame
i know i've been wrong
i know i'm to blame

Remember that theory I mentioned before? I think that humble hypothesis has been proven ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE! How much cuter did my cat appear after being caught red-handed asserting that shame should be the emotional status quo from which confidence or self-satisfaction inappropriately distracts! SQUEE!!!! I know I shouldn't condone the behavior but I just HAD toss a treat to my little forlorn CATullus ;).
My kitty is persistent! I had just now been typing up this account of his misadventures when I took an “extended” trip to the bathroom.  Upon my return, I saw no kitty but just the following text written on this very word document:

squalid
listless
wrong
profane
my sins doth bind my soul in chains.

i've earned these chains by nothing more
than
prioritizing light rapport.
instead of taking moral stands
I’ve gladly shaken impure hands-
for “to be liked” has been my call
thus damning me, my chains and all.

if future forms my soul will take
may better lives my passion make.

Hard on himself much? I looked around to find my mopey kitty curled up in a ball under the couch. I picked him up, unfurling him in my arms as to cradle him like a child. He gave me the most adorable “I think I've squandered my advantages and I can't intellectually think of a reason why I deserve happiness or a life free of scorn” look. I knew exactly what to do. I kissed him between the eyes and stroked his head until, with quite a bit of resistance, I could hear the faintest purr escape his guilt-ridden throat. In this moment of weakness, I shoved a treat in his mouth, cupped his head, and told him the truth.

“What you need to understand is that you are cute. Your sincerely-held, depressive beliefs don’t matter to me because the lens with which I view you is shaded with infantilism and condescension. Your shame makes you crabby. That’s cute. Your sin makes you grumpy. I’m gagging how cute. Your awareness of your moral culpability makes you grouchy. C-U-T-E. I have a theory—”

My restless writer immediately stopped purring and leapt out of my hands to sulk in the corner for the rest of the day. What we cat lovers put up with to keep our finicky feline friends around!! I know I shouldn't indulge, but I’m going to give him some catnip and watch what it does to him.

Oh, I forgot to mention: my cat's name is Marmaduke! 

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