In the chaotic world in which we all live, it can be easy to fall victim to the quick fix. Be it a 600 dollar check from Uncle Sam so you'll "stimulate the economy" or a diet pill that makes you poop off those extra pounds and fit into that prom dress. The world we live in is full of quick fixes. You know what quick fixes are? They're loser talk for cheating. We should not tolerate the use of said fixes in our national pastime, Major League Baseball. The severity of crimes these dirty, stinky cheaters perpetrated on fans and American society cannot be overstated.

It has been shown to the people time and time again that baseball has been corrupted for years. We know this from players making statements, Congressional testimony, personal stories, checks and orders for supplements. For years we have heard Bud Selig insist there is not a drug problem in baseball, only to have George Mitchell come out with a report that essentially calls him a douche, a liar, and a big, dumb nerd. We have the evidence we need. We know people have tested positive for steroids. Alex Rodriguez hits a bunch of home runs but we all know they come in a needle package, wrapped in cheater wrapping paper and topped with a bow of disrespect for the game. I don't care that Rodriguez cheated on his wife—embarrassing and making a fool of his wife is not my business. Hitting a few more home runs than God wanted him to is absolutely my business.

Baseball, in its purest form, is a gentleman's game. The hardworking are those who stand victorious while the lazy fall behind then die sad and alone. It's the way our world works. Work is rewarded and lazy hippies are beaten with hoses. Baseball is about practice, work ethic and grit. It represents everything America stands for.

It beckons one to think of the 1950's when men worked 40 hours a week at the mill, car dealership, or lead-based paint distributor. They came home to a wife, children, a dog, and maybe even a television set. Father was respected in the home. Mother made the bed, supper, and babies—nothing more. The children didn't talk smart ass to mother or father. If mother or son ever had a feeling, they swallowed it so father could polish off a bottle of brandy without any backchat. After all, where do you think that goddamn house came from?

Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb pose for a picture on a baseball field
Someday we will return to a time when everything was black or white.
These are the things baseball used to represent. Steroids have ruined all of these fine principles upon which baseball once stood.

Heroes of the game like Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Ty Cobb and Pete Rose were the kind of ballplayers a father could point out to his son and say, "Boy, now you watch that man right there. He's the best there is." The son would watch, his eyes as big as Reese's Cups, and the boy would say, "Someday, I'm gonna grow up and be just like him, Paw." And that would be a good thing. Ruth, DiMaggio, Cobb—sure they were xenophobic, womanizing, racist drunks, but that is America. Sure, we wiped out the Indians, pay women less money for having vaginas and the babies that come out of them, and are still feeling the effects of that whole "slavery" thing, but these things are where America's greatness is derived from. And baseball.

The settlers of the Old West had a saying, "If they're brown, shoot 'em down. If they're black, just pay 'em less." That rallying cry of the old settlers speaks to their hardworking nature. They knew prosperity would not come from a needle in the caboose, a handout from Uncle Sam, or a diet from Southern Florida. They knew with a little elbow grease, a tug on the ole' bootstraps and a good meal from the wife, things were gonna come up jake. These are the values we want our children to have. Steroids make a mockery of the spirit of the Old West and I'll be damned if my kids are going to mock the Old West.

Major League Baseball needs to make an example of these players. I'm talking banishment from the game in all forms. No Hall of Fame, no more playing, no more coaching, and no television appearances. These players have got to understand they are ruining a game that once stood upon the pillars of dignity and honor this country represents.

In order to maintain that dignity and honor I propose the following: every player who is even suspected of steroid-ing should be forced to admit he was wrong, apologize in a prepared statement to the fans, and then given a choice. He can either take a job at a factory for minimum wage where he will be forced to work for no less than 80 years, or face execution by a firing squad of former Presidents (Jimmy Carter gets the kill shot, Bush Sr. kicks him in the ribs while Junior shadowboxes in the corner and Clinton does the saxophone solo from "Born to Run"). Those are the only two dignified and honorable solutions.

The time has come to take back our pastime. The game that, as a boy in the mid 1890's, kept me up late at night. The game that teaches the values necessary to mold a boy into a man. The game that once did not allow blacks but learned its lesson after about 70 years. The game that you and I grew up with. The game that you and I both want back.

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