Have you ever thought to yourself, "Why do I have to die?" Well, let me be the first to tell you that you're not alone in your morbid fascination with your own mortality. In fact, many of us who are afraid to die don't realize how lucky we are to be living in the times that we do.

Man reading naked on a beach chair in the snow

The scientific advances that are bettering our lives are rolling in every day and each one is more amazing than the one that preceded it. Scientists throughout the world (most likely of Asian descent) thankfully decided to stop wasting their time with curing cancer and gene manipulation. Instead, they're bypassing the small stuff and going straight for the holy grail of science: Immortality.

These Asian scientists have already made great strides in the arena of immortality and through my casual research of this subject, I was able to create the Rapid Immortality PlanTM a magical combination of diet choices and personal life improvement steps that will extend your life…indefinitely.

Immortality Tip #1: Get Diabetes

For reasons unknown to scientists, Metformin, a drug for diabetics, helps make us immortal. Since you can only get the drug through a prescription, you're going to have to go ahead and give yourself some diabetes. I don't know much about diabetes (I'm not an Asian scientist after all), but my suggestion would be to find a diabetic and ask them to infect you by coughing or spitting directly into your open mouth. It should be easy to spot a diabetic as they're likely missing a foot.  If they try to hobble away, use the advantage of your two feet to catch and corner them. Once they're cornered, pitch woo to them until they agree to share their diabetes with you.

If you can't get a diabetic to agree to infect you, you're only other real option would be to smuggle the Metformin from Mexico. This is not the preferred option as no one wants to routinely cross international borders with a balloon full of pills jammed in their rectum.

Immortality Tip #2: Become an Alcoholic

For reasons unknown to scientists, Resveratrol, a mineral in grapes, helps make us immortal. This is the easiest tip to follow as it involves drinking booze. However, there are serious health issues to consider when getting your Resveratrol allotment. The issue isn't drinking too much wine, because clearly, the more booze/Resveratrol you drink, the more immortal you'll become. Instead, the issue lies with societal and behavioral associations related to wine.

As you start taking down gallons of wine each day, it's important to not become too douchy. No one likes you acting like a sommelier and we don't want to hear your self-important description of wines "tannin viscosity." On the other end of the spectrum, some people think they're too cool for red wine and claim "I could just never get into it." They'll argue that, "this local IPA I drink pairs with red meat better than most wines anyway." Grow up, you tool. Red wine is for big people, so shut your stouthole and start liking the taste of wine or die with the rest of the mortals.

Immortality Tip #3: Stop Eating Food

For reasons unknown to scientists, caloric restriction, the process of severely reducing how much one eats, helps make us immortal. Admittedly, this "Immortality Tip" is going to be harder to follow than the rest, but if you want to live long enough to exist in a world where cyborgs make human existence pointless, then you better follow it.

Now, don't fret too much. Of course, you'll have to slow down on meats and sugars, but there are still plenty of foods that are delicious and low in calories. Take mayonnaise for instance. Only 40 calories per serving. Who needs Haagen-Daz to soothe their broken heart, when you could spoon mouthfuls of warm mayonnaise into your gullet.

Mayo not your thing? Not a problem, because there are plenty of options to choose from. You'll just have to get creative. You could try eating plain rice cakes or spoonfuls of flax seed. Why not make it interesting and dip the rice cakes into some warm mayonnaise to give it extra zing! The options are endless!

In summation, you'll need to start acting more like an alcoholic, diabetic that sweats mayo. I know, it doesn't sound very "healthy" and the fact that this concoction of poor choices will make you immortal is a surprise to literally everyone that reads it. But the science behind this plan is actually real and if you need proof that it works, look no further than me. I've been following this regimen for an entire year and I haven't died, so it must be working.

By reading through my Rapid Immortality PlanTM, you've already proven that you're interested in creating a healthier you. The next step is to commit to my plan and join the revolution before that sleaze Dr. Oz tells you to do it and takes all of the credit.

I'll see you all in the future.


The Eternal Anthony Greenlaw