WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Reading this article while sober may result in slight headaches, dehydration, fatigue, stomach irritation, occasional diarrhea, fake tits, mood swings, emotional outbursts, manic-depressive behavior, truculent narcissism, fuck you, prolonged nausea, an exploding crotch, social apathy, demonic possession, and a sudden interest in the geo-political nature of Canadian History.

CAUTION IS ADVISED.

You may or may not realize this after reading some of my previous articles, but I'm actually a very positive-minded person. In fact, nothing gives me more pleasure than sharing my sense of joy and hopefulness with others.

IT'S NOT YOU…IT'S HER. After all, SHE'S the one who desperately wants somebody who is better in the sack than you are.Being the instrument of happiness and inspiration that I am, I often like to help people in need. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to offer my assistance to all the young men out there who have recently had their hearts broken by women. Whether it occurs through a divorce, a bad break-up, or even cheating, having your heart broken is one of the most painful things that can happen. Given the profound difficulty of surviving heartbreak, I have taken it upon myself to offer the following 10 guidelines to all the young men out there who are struggling to find a reason to live after losing the women of their dreams.

1. Identify with fictional movie characters who share your experiences.

Fictional movie characters can serve as a powerful source of inspiration. Being able to identify with the struggles of a character on the big screen is an excellent way to gain perspective on your situation. If you can relate to the pain that the character experiences, it will help you understand that you are not alone. This is very important because the last thing you want to do right now is isolate yourself.

In fact, I saw a movie the other day that made me feel pretty good about life. It was a story about a young man who meets the woman of his dreams. They fall in love instantly, and they end up having all these amazing adventures together. She loves him unconditionally throughout the whole movie, and she never leaves him. They grow old together and….

Oh wait, maybe that wasn't such a good example…

2. Identify with fictional characters in literature who share your experiences.

Fictional characters in literature can serve as powerful sources of inspiration. Being able to identify with the struggles of a character in a book is an excellent way to gain perspective on your situation. If you can relate to the pain that the character experiences, it will help you understand that you are not alone. This is very important because the last thing you want to do right now is isolate yourself.

In fact, I recently read a book that I found rather stunning. It was a story about a man who finds out that his wife has been cheating on him throughout their entire marriage. She leaves him for another man, and he falls into a profoundly horrible depression. He becomes so depressed that other people can't even stand to be around him. After years of sadness and isolation, he eventually goes insane and ends up dying alone in a mental institution.

Oh wait, maybe that wasn't such a good example either…

3. Don't give up on true love.

When you have a broken heart, the whole world seems like a dark and meaningless place. It's hard to see the beauty of life when everything hurts inside. You must not allow your own depression to prevent you from seeing that hope exists. True Love is out there!

Look up, brush aside your tears, and you will see that love and happiness are all around you. Whether it's a newly married couple eagerly waiting to bring children into the world, a middle-aged couple holding hands and walking down the street, or an old couple who can reflect on a marriage that has been characterized by years of love, understanding, fulfillment, and warmth.

Once you actually see that there are many people out there who find true love, all those bad feelings inside will start to go away. Your tears of sadness will be replaced by tears of joy as you begin to feel hope welling up inside of you. However, don't allow yourself to go too far with this feeling. I only said that true love is out there. I didn't necessarily say that YOU would find it.

Let's not get carried away here.

4. Don't blame yourself.

Having your heart broken is one of the most horrible feelings in the world, and this feeling will only become worse if you blame yourself. Always remember that couples (married or not) break up all the time. There are many people out there who feel the same way you do. You tried your best, and that's really all that you can expect of yourself. Freeing your mind and soul from self-inflicted guilt is a very essential part of the healing process. In fact, if you really did try your best, then IT'S NOT YOU…IT'S HER. After all:

  • SHE'S the one who can't stand to be around you anymore.
  • SHE'S the one who decided to set her standards in men higher.
  • SHE'S the one who doesn't love you anymore. (If she ever actually did love you in the first place, that is. She may have been lying all those years. You'll probably never know.)
  • SHE'S the one who thinks your penis is too small and that your sexual performance is far less than mediocre.
  • SHE'S the one who desperately wants somebody who is better in the sack than you are.
  • SHE'S the one who dramatically improved her life by removing you from it.
  • SHE'S the one who is laying on her back right now having the orgasm of her life as the man of her dreams (who isn't you, by the way) proceeds to pump her silly with his massive, fleshy, man-rod of eternal pleasure.

All things considered, it's really not your fault. You have every reason in the world to feel good about yourself right now.

5. Actually…fuck number 4. It is your fault.

You just had to play the game, didn't you? You did everything you possibly could to win her affection. You exercised, you bought new clothes, you enhanced your physical appearance, you worked on your social skills, you read books to make yourself more intelligent and interesting, and you improved yourself as a human being. Good job, You Stupid Fuck! YOU CHASED HER UNTIL SHE CAUGHT YOU!

She caught you, she sunk her claws into you, she used you up, and now she's fucking somebody else. How does that make you feel? Mr. "I Have to Improve Myself"…

If you had just sat around, drank beer, smoked cigarettes, burped, farted, picked your ass, watched cheap 80's porn, and played with your wiener like any other decent male human being, you wouldn't be in this mess right now, would you?

You fucking piece of shit….

6. Use your pain to help others.

You are not the only broken-hearted man in the world. There are plenty of guys out there who are just as sad and confused about women as you are. REACH OUT!! Use your painful experience to connect with others. Sharing is an excellent way to validate your own feelings, and is also very essential to the healing process.

The best way to do this is to write a book. Tell the entire story. Put everything out there. Give a detailed description of your experiences, write about your feelings, and describe what you have learned about life.

When all 5 pages of your book are complete, make sure that you include a picture of your face on the front cover. People will pay for a good laugh.

7. Develop a new hobby…such as picking up sticks on the street.

The woman of your dreams just broke your heart, and you are absolutely devastated. However, no matter how bad you feel, you have to keep your mind occupied. Life moves on, and so should you.

Developing a new hobby is an excellent way to pass time as you progress through the stages of healing. Not only will it keep your mind occupied, but it will also allow you to incorporate new and exciting things into your life. I personally recommend picking up sticks on the street. Sticks, small branches, and twigs fall off of trees every single day, and when the wind is strong enough, they get blown out into the street.

Most people never do anything about this because they are too busy being in a relationship. But this doesn't change the fact that somebody has to pick up all those sticks on the street. Since you no longer have anyone to love, hold, care about, or spend meaningful time with…it may as well be you.

8. Enjoy intellectual documentaries.

If picking up sticks on the street just isn't your thing, then I recommend watching intellectual documentaries as another great way to keep your mind off the terrible heartbreak you are going through. There are many exciting online documentaries to choose from, such as:

EXPOSED: Top 10 Secrets that ‘The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar' Doesn't Want You to Know

CAUGHT ON CAMERA: Masturbating Zoo Animals Who Go Berserk and Attack Foreign Tourists

CAUGHT ON CAMERA: Masturbating Foreign Tourists Who Go Berserk and Attack Zoo Animals

EYEBALLS IN THE RIVER: An Untold Story of Fishing Accidents in the Mid-West from 1958 to 1962

OOPS, IT HAPPENED AGAIN: Confessions of Educated Men Who Accidentally Shit Their Pants at Work

IT WAS ME: Confessions of Middle-Aged Women Who Fart in Public…and are Proud of It

and my own personal favorite….

TALK TO THE HAND: Transsexual Anthropology Research Assistants Who Just Don't Give a Fuck Anymore

9. Don't lose hope just because you are in horrible emotional pain…your heart will eventually die and you won't be able to feel anything at all.

Right now, the pain is extremely horrible, and you are writhing in severe agony on a constant basis. But, don't lose hope at this point. It may seem as though you have been cast into an eternal pit of despair, but that simply isn't true. You have one very beautiful thing to look forward to: the death of your heart. After this happens to you several more times in your life, your heart will eventually die and become stone-cold. This will probably occur somewhere between your early-to-mid 30's. When your heart finally dies, you won't be able to feel anything…including emotional pain.

It really is a beautiful process. It's very similar to when an ugly caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly. You will finally be released from the shell of all those pesky feelings and emotions (such as love, caring, concern about the welfare of yourself and others, and the supposed need for romantic affection) that have been getting you into trouble all of these years. Now you can just sit back, light up a cigarette, crack open a beer, and simply not give a fuck about anything…which is probably what you should have been doing in the first place.

And there is an added bonus. With your dead, stone-cold heart and your complete inability to feel anything, you will actually learn how to enjoy it when other people become heartbroken and emotionally devastated. It's sort of like being on vacation. You can just relax and observe with utmost glee as the dark clouds of infidelity, divorce, heartbreak, and romantic tragedy come rolling in to consume and slowly destroy the once-happy lives of everybody around you.

Not only is it amusing and exciting…it's also very necessary.

10. Going through a painful break-up does not mean that you will be alone forever.

Right now, you probably think that things will never get better. The beautiful woman you were in love with has left you, and you're sitting alone in your dark bedroom with an endless stream of tears pouring down your face. You stare out the window with a blank expression as you imagine yourself dying alone and completely unloved after years of miserable solitude.

What you fail to realize at this point is that everything is going to be OK. Things happen for a reason. The road to destiny is never a straight path. It contains many twists and turns. The painful break-up you just experienced means that there is someone better out there for you. Someone who has been waiting for you her entire life. Someone who will never leave your side and who will love you forever.

She may not be as stunning, charismatic, or voluptuous as the woman who just left you, but do those things really matter in the long run? Does it really matter if she doesn't have the same long-flowing brunette hair, the soul-melting brown eyes, and the large but perfectly formed breasts that always made you want to get down on your knees and beg for mercy?

Does it really matter if your new woman is slightly overweight, or perhaps even spherical like the sun that rises in the morning and then sets in the evening? Does it really matter if she has a slightly masculine voice, seven children from 4 previous marriages, and a few untrimmed nose hairs that jut from her nostrils like wild, untamed grass? And does it really matter if she has inverted nipples, a left breast half the size of her right one, and a criminal record longer than a transcontinental railroad?

No. These things don't matter…because she's beautiful on the inside. And that's all that really counts. And when you meet this woman of your dreams, you can both finally settle down and enjoy a long life of boredom, meaningless routine, job dissatisfaction, frequent financial distress, and mediocrity.

So pick yourself up, dust off your broken heart, and look forward to the bright future that awaits you.

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