Do you often become nervous right before taking a really big exam? Have you ever experienced anxiety during an important job interview that could potentially change the course of your entire life? Do feelings of annoyance creep up on you during moments of extremely heavy traffic when you're already late for work? Have you ever felt tired after working out in the gym for three and a half hours?

If you were turned down or rejected by the person of your dreams, would you feel sad or disappointed for a little while? Do you get angry whenever you're disrespected without an apology? If you were to hear the words, "I have something rather upsetting to tell you, and this won't be easy for you to hear, so please sit down first"…would you feel a bit uneasy?

If you answered "yes"…"no"…or "maybe" to any, all, or none of these questions, then you are probably suffering from severe depression.

But don't panic…I'm here to help you. If you want to overcome your depression and continue living a happy life, simply read this article. Reading this article will help you a lot more than seeking therapy, taking medication, or discussing your condition with a loved one because chances are, nobody loves you anyway….so read ahead.

1. Utilize laughter and fear to help overcome feelings of sadness.

Man yawning on couch
Yawning won't get you anywhere but to bed early…again.
Before I go any further, I must say that the best and most effective way to cure depression is to abuse substances. Driving over teenagers with a really large truck also tends to alleviate feelings of despair. However, if you're one of those individuals who does not wish to resort to alcoholism or violence in order to solve your problems, then I recommend experiencing the emotions of laughter and fear.

Laughter and fear are two very powerful feelings that are highly effective in overcoming sadness. Laughter makes you feel better about life, and it releases positive chemicals in your body. Fear, although considered a negative emotion, does have the effect of producing adrenaline, which makes you feel alive, alert, and extremely focused…thus snapping you out of your current slump.

And fortunately for you, laughter and fear are not mutually exclusive. In fact, you can probably experience both of these emotions at the same time simply by looking into a mirror.

2. Observe happy people around you.

When you're depressed, you may easily assume that other people around you are depressed too. This simply isn't true. You need to avoid the trap of projecting your own misery onto other people, otherwise you'll start to think that the entire world is full of sadness, and this will only make your depression worse. Therefore, you must focus your attention on those who are cheerful so that you can recognize that joyfulness and hope do exist in the world.

There are plenty of happy people out there. If you look carefully around, you will see children having fun at the playground, couples walking down the street holding hands, people socializing with their friends having a great time, and much, much more. So, before you sink too far into your own depression, make sure you acknowledge that there are plenty of happy, socially active, well-adjusted people out there who have lives that are characterized by warmth, fulfillment, and unconditional love.

Just don't forget, of course, that you will never actually be one of those people.

3. Take the opportunity to help others.

Use your current state of depression to help others. There are plenty of people out there who are confused about life. They might be suffering from a death in the family, some type of tragic loss, a divorce, a career that didn't work out, a failed relationship, or even just a broken heart.

Some of these people sincerely need somebody to talk to. With your current state of depression and the resulting knowledge that you have about sadness, confusion, and pain, you will easily be able to connect with these individuals. Once they talk to you, they won't feel alone anymore. In fact, once they get a good look at just how permanently debilitating, irreversible, life-long, and extremely embarrassing your problems are…they probably won't feel bad at all.

And don't forget, even if you're too depressed to have a sense of humor yourself, you can still make other people laugh. There are several ways to accomplish this, such as:

  • Sending a picture of your face to friends and relatives….well, you probably don't have any friends, so just send it to your relatives (unless, of course, they have refused to give you their mailing address).
  • Taking 3 minutes to tell someone your entire life story.
  • Taking your diary (containing all of your deep thoughts, hopes, and dreams) and publishing it online.
  • Telling the bartender about your last therapist who committed suicide.

4. If you're confused about life, then talk to an older, more experienced person.

Older people have been through more, and they can often provide good advice. Take this conversation for instance.

Billy: Mr. Jansen, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Jansen: Sure Billy, what's on your mind?

Billy: Mr. Jansen, I feel confused. Life seems so difficult and unfair. Do good things ever happen in this world?

Mr. Jansen: Oh goodness, Billy, sit down for a moment. I have a little story to tell you.

Billy: That's great, Mr. Jansen.

Mr. Jansen: You see, Billy, life often seems difficult and confusing when you're young, but things do eventually work out. You just have to allow life to take its natural course. I once knew a person named Daniel who was just as confused about life as you are.

Billy: Really?

Mr. Jansen: Yes, indeed. Daniel was really depressed and confused for a long time, and then one day he suddenly met a beautiful girl named Jennifer. He fell deeply in love with her, and sure enough, all of the sadness and confusion in his life went away. Daniel was the happiest person in the world.

Billy: Golly, that's swell, Mr. Jansen. What happened next?

Mr. Jansen: Well, Daniel woke up one morning and Jennifer was gone. Weeks went by with no word, and Daniel was extremely worried. Just when he thought he could no longer handle the anxiety, he received a letter in the mail. It was from Jennifer.

Billy: What did the letter say, Mr. Jansen?

Mr. Jansen: Well, as it turned out, Jennifer had found another man. In the letter, she explained that she was deeply in love with this new man, that he was giving her the best sex she had ever had, and that she had only been with Daniel because she felt sorry for him. And just to make sure that Daniel would not be confused about the situation, she also included photos of herself in bed with this other man.

Billy: …….

Mr. Jansen: …and of course, Daniel fell into the worst depression he had ever been in. He was devastated. He couldn't eat or sleep, and he often stayed in his room for hours upon hours simply staring at the wall. People who saw him walking around described him as a sick, empty, soul-less vessel just waiting to die. And sure enough, one day while he was going for a walk, he just happened to pass by Jennifer and her new man as they were holding each other and making out passionately on a park bench….a sight that made his depression even more profound.

Billy: Mr. Jansen, I don't think I want to hear the rest of…

Mr. Jansen: …and to make matters worse, just as Daniel was about to jump off a bridge, he was arrested by the police. Apparently, someone who looked exactly like Daniel had committed a very serious crime on the other side of town, and the police mistook Daniel for this person. He sat in prison for years under the death penalty. On the day of his execution, something went horribly wrong with the electric chair, and Daniel ended up sizzling, twitching, and frying for a really long time until finally…his head exploded all over the place.

Billy: Mr. Jansen, what is the point of this story?

Mr. Jansen: Well, now that I think of it, there really is no point to this story. I guess my only advice to you is "Don't lose your head." Hahaha….get it? Hey Billy, where are you going? I have another story to tell you.

5. For you young and single people who are depressed because you're lonely…be sure to maintain a proper balance between fluid expulsion and intake.

Chances are, many young people who face depression are probably single and lonely, and feel that they will never find the right person to be with. If you are one of these individuals, then don't worry, you will not be alone forever. You will find someone who wants to be with you, and once you are with that person for more than 5 years, the extreme pain, horror, misery, and torment that you face will be much worse than the seemingly eternal void of loneliness that you are currently experiencing. It will be so profoundly awful and terrifying that it will not even fit into the category of depression. In fact, I don't think they even have a word that describes the magnitude of pain that you will eventually be in.

But anyway, if you're depressed because you haven't found a partner yet, you do need to know that engaging in the act of masturbation while crying intensely does tend to result in a lot of fluid expulsion from the human body.

On the other hand (no pun intended)…if you are somehow able to use your free hand to consume alcohol while you engage in the sinful act of creating enough friction on your genitals to cause an explosion of your sexual fluids to splatter all over your computer screen as you stare at pornographic images through blurred vision caused by the salty and meaningless tears pouring down your face…then you may actually avoid the dangers of dehydration.

After all, it's always important to maintain a proper dynamic equilibrium between fluid intake and outtake.

6. If you're a young, single, lonely woman who is depressed, then stop feeling sad and find yourself a man.

You probably want nothing more than to find a nice, well-mannered, supportive, loving, decent man who will take care of you and stand by your side. Well, that's not going to happen.

But that doesn't mean that you won't be able to find some beer-guzzling, smelly, brutal, menacing, prehistoric, grunting, mammoth baboon of a creature with no emotions whatsoever who would just love to cradle you in his massive, hairy, sweaty, pimple-infested arms right before blowing his load all over your face.

Don't give up on yourself just because you're depressed.

7. If you're a young, single, lonely man who is depressed, then go out there and find the woman of your dreams.

You probably want nothing more than to find some lovely, innocent, nurturing, sweet, intelligent young woman who will love you unconditionally. Well, that's not going to happen.

But that doesn't mean that you can't go out there and find some vile, rotten, demanding, greedy, narcissistic, back-stabbing, vicious, two-faced, blood-sucking cunt who would just love to bounce up and down on your genitals with her disease-infested crotch right before she fucks up your entire life…

If "life" is actually the proper word for what you have.

8. Study historical figures for inspiration.

History is full of highly motivated people who have left behind great legacies. You have no shortage of inspirational figures to look up to…such as:

The Roman Emperors Caligula and Nero, Cleopatra, Genghis Kahn, King Henry VIII, George Armstrong Custer, Rasputin, Vlad the Impaler, and Aleister Crowley.

These individuals were not depressed…so why should you be?

9. Watch funny, happy, and light-hearted movies.

A great way to get your mind off of depression is to watch "feel-good" movies that are humorous, light, and "fluffy." Make sure that the movies have happy endings. I personally recommend:

  • The Godfather I, II, and III
  • Full Metal Jacket
  • The Exorcist
  • Platoon
  • Carrie
  • The Shining
  • American Psycho
  • The Amityville Horror
  • The Hunger Games

10. Allow yourself to have "a good cry."

Never keep your emotions bottled up. You need to let them out, otherwise they will emerge as other forms of self-destructive behavior. I often refer to the movie Good Will Hunting as an example. A psychologist played by Robin Williams is able to skillfully confront Matt Damon's character in a way that forces him to release his true emotions in a very dramatic and powerful crying scene at the end of the movie. During this scene, Matt Damon's character acknowledges his childhood memories of abuse and rejection, releases his anger and feelings of insecurity, and finally opens up his heart so that he can live happily ever after with the woman of his dreams, played by Minnie Driver.

I would like to apologize for giving away the ending to this movie for those of you who haven't seen it yet, but I'm not going to, so fuck you! You're the one struggling with depression, not me. I drink every day, so I'm doing just fine.

Anyway, if you don't have the benefit of being able to see a highly skilled psychologist on a regular basis, then you must rely on yourself to look deeply inward to let your true emotions out. In order to have a good cry, simply go into your bedroom, shut the door, hug your favorite pillow, and try to let it all out. This part isn't easy because you probably won't be able to let everything out all at once. You need to start crying about something in particular so that you can open up a pathway for the rest of your buried emotions to flow out in an inevitable, endless stream of bitter and wretched tears. In other words, you have to focus your thoughts on something really sad just to begin the crying process.

Thinking about your greatest accomplishments in life should do the trick.