With Britney Spears banging her head against a wall somewhere in Burbank and Madonna combing the jungles of the former Belgian Congo in search of fresh babies she can adopt to quench her ever growing thirst for human blood, the last 15 minutes have belonged to pop singer Lady Gaga.

If you are unfamiliar with Lady Gaga's "work," just envision Cyndi Lauper reproducing with another Cyndi Lauper to create an inbred and genetically unsound Cyndi Lauper. See through your mind's eye a Cyndi Lauper with some sort of sexual/social disorder that you can't seem to classify. Imagine this incestuous, mongoloid Cyndi Lauper and you have yourself a Lady Gaga.

The best way I can describe her music to you is Fuck-Me Pop Techno. But to better understand how exactly she has concocted this erotic, unstable genre, we must perform an exercise in contemporary pop music production.

First, think of a "That's what she said" joke, and then turn it into a song.

For example…

Setup: When is your grandma coming?
Punchline: That's what she said.

Next, process with analog synthesizers and a drum machine.


(Whirling pop-synth intro)

This game is not so funny nah nah nah,
When's your grandma cumming nah nah nah.

Lady Gaga with disco stick
Insert disco stick into magic carpet. Ride.
Congratulations: You just made the newest Lady Gaga single!

Her new song is about having sex with a man, and somewhere in the second refrain she confuses her retard-strength-super-sexuality with genuine affection. The lyrics are as follows, with notes throughout to walk you through some of the more multifarious metaphor schemes.

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

It's easy to get lost in the metaphor here, much like Orson Welles' legendary rosebud metaphor in Citizen Kane, but imagine rosebud is not a sled but a disco stick. Now imagine a disco stick is not a stick at all but a cock.

I wanna kiss you
But if I do then I might miss you, babe
It's complicated and stupid
Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
Guess he wants to play, wants to play
A love game, a love game

Here Ms. Gaga explains how someone grabbed her ass and wants to play a "love game" which I can only assume would be a parlor game of some sort, probably Parcheesi. Oh wait, no, she just means fucking.

I'm on a mission
And it involves some heavy touching, yeah
You've indicated your interest
I'm educated in sex, yes
Now I want it bad, want it bad
A love game, a love game

In this verse Ms. Gaga has decided to explicate her previous position in case no one understood what she was referring to by a disco stick. Turns out she is educated in sex. This statement appears to be marked as a professional achievement she has accomplished in order to woo her would-be fuck buddy. I know personally I require at least an associate's degree in sex before I will even talk to you. Unless you have a ton of field experience.

I can see you staring there from across the block
With a smile on your mouth and your hand on your (huh!)
The story of us, it always starts the same
With a boy and a girl and a (huh!) and a game

And now act three resolves itself. I was worried for a minute she might not get to ride a disco stick (fuck), but it turns out he's holding his dick, and if you have ever read any early Hemingway, you know that's a subtle nudge in the direction of the sexual. I find the last line quite poignant: "The story of us always starts the same, with a boy and a girl and a fuck and a game." Lady Gaga is hurling pearls at us here; don't be shy to pick them up. I call dibs on that line if I am ever asked to do a eulogy.