It has come to the attention of me and the rest of the ICC (Iced Coffee Community) of Dunkin' Donuts that the gassy consequence of our bean juice has become publicized.
Before I begin, I’d like to introduce myself. I, specifically, am a Medium Iced Vanilla Latte with Skim Milk. My fellow peers, Large Cold Brew and Small Iced Americano with heavy cream, compiled this informative read for all of our weekly visitors who consume us daily. Our main goal is to reach our audience of coffee-drinkers who find themselves sitting on a public toilet en route back home or work, and on their own toilet halfway through consumption.
I’d also like to make it known that I do, indeed, have a very thick Boston accent. From this sentence forward, I ask that you read the rest of this writing in an amplified version of the tone and inflection Mark Wahlberg uses when speaking of Tom Brady.
The notion that our contents and ingredients have been to blame regarding your bowel movements have been around for decades. Having said that, we can no longer be held responsible for your refusal to receive treatment for your symptoms that correlate to the following: IBD, IBS, acid reflux, celiac disease, diverticulitis, and above all else, motherfucking lactose intolerance.
Whoops! Terribly sorry, I believe my barista-at-large has added an extra shot of espresso-bean juice!
Ahem. Moving on.
Some of our loved ones feel as though we’ve been hiding behind our sweet and sometimes bitter stature that you graciously consume. Our sources (your favorite Dunkin' cashier, Caroline—thanks girly!) have recently informed us that some of our biggest fans have considered coming clean on numerous occasions. Your bravery means so much to us, and our intent was never to become your liquid laxative. Unfortunately, we have also been made aware of the fright you experienced in this attempt. Our second cousin, the waiting room hot coffee machine’s presence within the office-of-your-choice gastroenterologist indeed caused you gastro-trauma, and for that, we would like to extend our sincerest apologies on their behalf.
At this time, no further commentary can be made as these juices were produced from the beans of 7-Eleven. Yes, they exist. No, we will not shun any other bean aside from literally every Starbucks blend.
Liquid laxatives and prescription medications are obviously no match for our syrup-based shit-stirrers (literally). Your bowel health should be your top priority, but we truly appreciate your dedication that you exemplify every morning at 9 AM. To those who make a second visit at 2 PM, we especially appreciate your use of our services. You must know, however, that our bathrooms aren’t just “closed for maintenance” upon your arrival. Sorry.
Nonetheless, it’s time you treat yourself to a diagnosis. Because “shameless caffeine addiction” just doesn’t cut it. Chances are, you’ve also been avoiding your first screening with your gastroenterologist out of fear that you’ll be advised to avoid caffeine and dairy. Acceptance is key to your health, and unfortunately, that may involve an ending to our beloved time we’ve shared together.
We’ve been there for you bloated or fasted, constipated or hungry, and most importantly, through summer and winter. While the thrill of gulping our medium selves down before pulling into your destination may feel like the only resolution to your painful constipation, you’re only worsening it for yourself. We hope to see you and your stomach lining soon post-gastro visit. If that occasion never approaches, just know, it’s for the best.
Through thick and thin (see what I did there?),
—The Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Family