You’ve heard of being red-pilled, right? Well, I’ve recently been horse-pilled, and brother, you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve been finding out. Ever since I stopped paying attention to the liberal mainstream media—you know, those preppy hacks at The New York Times and CNN—my entire perspective has changed. My eyes are finally open to what's actually going on out there, and it’s all thanks to the “Pets” section of Craigslist.
Wake up and smell the dog food my friend: the Craigslist “Pets” section is the only news source you can trust these days. These guys are on the ground and at the front lines with everyday Americans, reporting on the local stories that the lamestream media is too busy cooking up conspiracies to cover. The Craigslist “Pets” section on the other hand? Well, it doesn’t get more local than illegal reptiles for sale in your neighborhood, now does it?
How can these liberal media coastal elite bigwigs be trusted to tell us the news? Face it pal, they’re out of touch with us average folks. Out here, we put our pitbulls’ camo flak jackets on one leg at a time just like everybody else (support the troops!). When was the last time Rachel Maddow delivered a newborn calf using nothing but the vacuum hose from her above ground pool? How often does Anderson Cooper have to get his pretty little hands dirty removing a ferret from the exhaust pipe of his Chevy Silverado? (And by the way, that’s what we real Americans call a pipe-ferret. Get used to it, snowflake!) And do you think Don Lemon ever leaves his ivory tower long enough to sit on an ivory throne and get his ass bit by a toilet gator like us everyday Americans? Hell no!
See that’s the thing about the Craigslist “Pets” section; there’s no angle there, you know? It’s just the pure, unadulterated truth. Those guys tell it like it is, straight from a horse’s mouth. They don’t fancy-up their stories with shiny graphics or desks or chairs or even humans for that matter. In fact, most of the content is blurry or off-center pictures of animals that people probably shouldn’t own. But at least you know that they’re telling you the truth and not trying to sell you some load of bull crap about election meddling or so-and-so disgracing the oval office. The only bull crap on the Craigslist “Pets” section is cow manure, and let me tell you, that’s exactly the kind of no-frills journalism us average Americans have been waiting for!
The reporters on the Craigslist “Pets” section aren’t compromised by their ties to the Deep State like the rest of the liberal media. They’re real people, you know? Take HornyyDoug883 for example. Now that’s a guy you could really sit down and grab a beer with. He broke a story last week about how his German Shepherd wouldn’t stop humping his ficus. Gripping stuff!
But probably my favorite columnist for the Craigslist “Pets” section is Becky394. About once a week she’ll post some hard-hitting piece about this bearded dragon lizard she’s trying to sell because it’s getting too big for her terrarium. Sure, her posts are filled with typos and exclamation marks about “plz!” and “halp it eat my daughtr!” but that’s just the grittiness that comes with reporting the truth!
This other pundit, Barry46single, is pretty good too. I disagreed with his last piece about how his Koi fish could cure eczema, but I respect the hell out of him for giving the American people the gutsy coverage that they aren’t getting from the liberal media establishment.
I’ll be honest, the first time I opened up the Craigslist “Pets” section, I was just looking for a place to sell my kid’s leopard gecko (it gave me an eerie, knowing look when I was about to flush it down the toilet). But what I saw there I’ll never forget. Finally, some journalism I could trust. Sure, tune into NBC and you might see who’s running for president or what day it is. But when was the last time they picked up a story that matters to me and my life, like that guy trading his snapping turtle for a used John Deere tractor engine?
The point is, everything besides the “Pets” section of Craigslist is fake news, and the sooner you wake up to that reality, the sooner you can see what’s really going on out there.
You know that tingling feeling you’re getting in your stomach? No, that’s not from that puff piece about the Antilles Pinktoe Tarantula that Stevie416 had crawling around on his mullet last night. No way, partner. That sensation you’re feeling is the truth, for the first time in your goddamned American life.
That’s right mother-trucker, you’ve just been horse-pilled.