Lately, my boyfriend Darren has been acting a little strange. Things have been going really well in our relationship, but all of a sudden he seems nervous and on edge. It’s almost like he’s hiding something from me, and I think I’ve figured out what it is. He’s finally going to propose!

Or, just maybe, he’s going to kill the President.

All the signs are there. We’ve been dating for fourteen beautiful months, and Darren’s always said our relationship is “the one perfect thing in this godforsaken hellhole of a country.” Our love and commitment to each other have grown stronger and stronger with every day together, every candlelit dinner, and every midnight walk around the perimeter of various government buildings. I’m so excited he’s ready to take things to the next level!

Sure, maybe it feels a bit early, but if something’s right, why wait? I know Darren feels the same way. He never wants to waste time, which is why he’s always saying adorable things like, “I can’t wait a second longer to kiss you,” or “Somebody needs to do something about this clown, right now.” I love his burning, irrepressible passion, whether he’s whispering sweet nothings in my ear, or screaming furiously at C-SPAN.

He’s so excited, too. He’s been crossing off days on a calendar, counting down until July 4th. At first, I wasn’t sure why that date was significant to our relationship, and then I realised: it’s Independence Day. When he pops the question, there are going to be fireworks!

Oh my god, speaking of popping the question, you’ll never believe what I caught him doing yesterday. He’s practicing! Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? I saw him out there in the backyard, rehearsing the exact right way to get down on one knee. And, okay, he was also practicing readying his rifle and taking long-distance headshots at a cardboard cut-out of a man in a suit. But I’m pretty sure that was just so I didn’t get suspicious.

He’s been rehearsing what he’s gonna say, too. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. He was writing something in his notebook, and I didn’t want to pry, but I definitely saw something about “things are going to change forever” (because we’ll be married!) and “teaching those motherfuckers in charge a lesson” (I assume this was about his parents).

Ugh, I’m getting so excited just thinking about it! I think he’s planning an exotic vacation right after, too! I checked his browser history and it looks like he’s planning a glamorous romantic getaway to “country without U.S. extradition treaty.”

You might be worried I’m getting my hopes up for nothing. What if his big secret isn’t a proposal? What if it’s something terrible, like he’s cheating on me, or he’s planning a high-profile political assassination? Well, you don’t need to worry about that. Darren would never cheat. A relationship is a promise, and Darren really, really cares about keeping promises. He made that very clear on Inauguration Day.

And if it's the other thing?

Well, I’m just glad he’s got a hobby.


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