Oruku Saki here, A.K.A. The Shredder, Human Magic Bullet™ and sworn adversary of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

It’s finally happening. Plastic straws are being banned. Soon they’ll cease to exist and I for one am happy about it.

My positive disposition isn’t really because of the environmental significance of the ban, although that is a bonus. It’s more because of what these cylindrical sippers undeservingly took from me. You see, in 2018, young people spread all this propaganda that plastic straws were the numero uno threat to turtles. A title that should unequivocally and unwaveringly belong to me, The Shredder, hunter of pubescent anglophone turtles and wearer of impractically sharp shoulder pads!

I mean, the audacity of it all! Just thinking about it gets me so angry. It makes me want to explicitly slice Raphael instead of the usual implicit slicing I do as a villain from a family-friendly children’s franchise. Thankfully though, with these new plastic straw bans and the number of circulating straws dwindling, I can now reclaim my turtle-harming throne!

Look, I’ve been inflicting pain on turtles since the '80s. Punching, kicking, and puncturing them (off-camera) for the past 30 years. Then all of a sudden, a single video of a sea turtle with a straw stuck in its nose goes viral and everyone’s all like “ooooh plastic straws are hurting our turtles!”

Listen here you April O’Neil-looking millennials. Last August, I lured Michelangelo into an alleyway with a Papa John’s stuffed-crust filled with horse tranquilizer and then tried to deshell him with my katana. Where’s my media coverage and PSA with that guy from Entourage?

I, The Shredder, official 2007 Cutco Knives ambassador for the Eastern states, deserve recognition for my extensive turtle-harming efforts. Granted it’s only a select population of turtles I harm (specifically four), as opposed to the millions of turtles in Earth’s oceans, which these straws allegedly prey on. Still, if anything, my exploits should be considered more heinous since the TMNT are more endangered than sea turtles, given that there’s only four of them on Earth (five if you want to count that girl one that no one really talks about).

I’ll admit, these straws did make some waves in the anti-turtle community. Heck, even I felt sort of bad for the poor sea turtle after watching that video. And I never feel bad for turtles. I literally daydream about making turtle soup out of Leonardo.

But ultimately, these plastic straws’ achievements pale in comparison to my own. Need I remind you that two summers ago, when I purple-nurpled Donatello so unforgivingly, his pectorals were the same color as his bandana for an entire week? My grip on his mutant reptilian nipples was tighter than the one I’ll soon have over the city of New York!

Maybe I’m being too harsh on these polypropylene conduits but regardless, I am glad they’re being phased out. There’s just something about things that are scientifically engineered, flexile, and come in a variety of colors including, red, orange, blue and purple that rubs me the wrong way.

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