As another successful Christmas comes to an end, I can’t help but look back fondly on the ways you’ve all shown your love and support for me throughout the year. With that in mind, I wanted to stop and take a quick moment to say thank you for the very generous and heartfelt presents I received this holiday season—many of which I did not ask for and have no use for whatsoever.

As you could probably tell from the facial expressions and sounds I made as I unwrapped these cheap and useless gifts, I really do love them all and won’t be needing any of the receipts. That is, unless you’re offering. Do you have them here with you today by chance? I could also drop by next week to pick them up. Really, I don’t mind. I can swing by Tuesday, just let me know.

Because you’re right, we did say that there was a $50 spending limit for Secret Santa. But I’m actually glad you completely disregarded the rules and make me something homemade. Something from the heart. Something that will both waste half of the space in my condo and not match any of my current furniture. I love that I couldn’t even return it if I tried. Right? If there’s a way I can, please let me know. The Salvation Army said they’ll only take items they can sell.

Gosh, I know it’s so selfless of me, but I really do hope Aunt Tammy chooses another name in the gift exchange next year. Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful she picked me this time around. But I feel bad if I’m the only one who ever gets the honour, and I want someone else in the family to receive one of her thoughtful, dumpster-dived gifts. Or maybe we could just skip presents altogether next year. Better yet, the whole holiday! No one in our family is Christian, anyway. And while we’re on the topic, I don’t really need a birthday present from any of you guys either. I think we should just cancel most holidays.

Of course, we could continue sending one another the odd Christmas card. I personally think it was a great idea to buy me a musical holiday card with half of the gift budget. Those two-by-three inch photos of my nephews were a great touch too. They’re going to look fantastic in my wallet. Or my garbage can. Ha! Only kidding. Unless you also think that’s funny—in which case, wait until you hear where I put uncle Paul’s gift…

On a serious note though, I could sense the cousins were jealous when they saw that they’d actually gotten what they asked for this year. But I just love being surprised by how off you can be when picking out my gifts. Even when I specifically tell you what I want. Even when I send you a whole damn list. Sure, there were a couple of niche alcohol brands on there, but I thought the first item: “MONEY,” would be pretty clear.

Thinking about it now, the presents I received this year actually might be the best this family has ever given me. And I know I told you no animal print, but boy am I glad you didn’t listen! Again. For the third year in a row.

Where did you even find this little number? And did they say all sales were final? Perfect, I wouldn’t want anyone else to get the same one. Unless someone wants to trade? I’d be willing to swap for those socks Grandpa got. Oh, what the hell—take it for free Gramps! ‘Tis the season.

Maybe this is also the spirit of Christmas talking, but I think I’d much rather give a gift than receive one. There’s something about the look on a person’s face when they open a gift they truly love. Or maybe it’s just that every gift I got this year is 30 seconds away from falling apart. Either or.

Speaking of, I almost forgot about that regift from Rick’s girlfriend! Sure, it’s a little small for me, but who wants a sweater that fits anyway? And you want me to put it on right now? Because you got our dad a matching one? And you already cut off the tags? I’m going to be wearing it a lot. In my home. In the dark. I promise. And I totally don’t want Rick to break up with you before next Christmas.

Wow! I didn’t think I was going to cry, but seeing all of the presents you’ve bought me is making me very emotional. And I know the holidays aren’t about gifts—because if they were, I would be expecting a lot more from you—but it still means the world to me that you’d put the time and energy into getting the most lousy, tasteless crap you could find.

I honestly don’t have the words to describe it. I guess all I can really say is thank you so much! I really, truly do love all the gifts I got this year. And sure, I’ll take the gift receipts—but only if you insist.

Oh, you didn’t get any? Do you think they’d exchange for store credit? Hypothetically speaking, I mean.