So glad you’re coming to visit somewhere near me! You’re one of my oldest friends, so I refuse to accept that you’d rather have the privacy, comfort, and convenience of your own vacation rental. I know you’re just politely refusing my offer because you don’t want to seem like you’re forcing yourself onto me. I know that’s not true. I’m the one forcing you onto me.

Now that I’ve threatened to end our friendship if you don’t stay with me, I should let you know that I’m remodeling my place, so there will be contractors in the living room where you’ll be sleeping. I usually sleep from 5 AM until noon, so expect to be up with me until five, and then wake up when the contractors start at 7 AM. Enjoy your mornings, and I’ll you at noon!

You’ve had a long trip—would you like to take a shower? There’s no privacy to undress, so you’ll have to change in the bathroom. There’s nowhere to put your clothes, so you’ll have to bundle them on the doorknob. Anticipate some of them falling onto the wet floor while you’re showering, but don’t worry, hanging them in the damp bathroom will never quite dry them.

Grab any grimy, used towel you see decomposing on the towel rack. Help yourself to the empty shampoo bottles. The soap is mostly dissolved in the standing water that can’t make it through the clot of hair in the drain, but I’m sure it’s down there somewhere.

I insist on making you breakfast, even if you’d rather try the bakery down the street. I only have dry toast. Hope you like millet bread. I’ll just cut the mold off, and we’ll be good to go.

Did you have plans to do things? Hmmm. I’m afraid once you arrive, it’s too awkward for us to separate. I’m just not sure the things you came here to do will fit into my schedule, now that we’re together every moment you’re here.

Honestly, the things you’re excited about are kind of touristy. I live here, so I’ve either done them all, or I’m too cool to ever do them. Instead of the famous sights everyone talks about, I think it’s more authentic if you accompany me on a series of personal “sightseeing errands.”

I just realized that you can see the outside of the museum you wanted to visit on our way to my therapy appointment, so that works for both of us. My therapist has tons of magazines to read while you’d rather be exploring the city. Then we can eat lunch in one of the charming outdoor cafes, if it’s on the way to my dry cleaner.

You’re going to love my new boyfriend, by the way, who’ll be with us throughout your visit. He likes to play video games, listen to noise-metal, and snack on pickled eggs, so that’s what we’ll be doing.

Well, not all that we’ll be doing. My boyfriend and I will also be having sex, loudly and often. You’re welcome to use your earbuds to muffle our intercourse, or you can wait in the hallway, and return to the smell of our furious lovemaking.

Speaking of smells, do you like morning breath?

Hey, did I tell you that I’m coming to visit your town next month? I insist that I stay with you. You know, to return the favor. My boyfriend is coming too, so please stock up on plenty of pickled eggs and pump-top lubricant.

Most importantly, clear your schedule. Take time off from work while we’re there. Call in sick if you have to. Just don’t expect to run any errands. You’ll be having too good a time enjoying the touristy sights we want to see now that we’re the tourists.

Also, my boyfriend is bringing his noise-metal band to practice in your living room. So don’t worry about entertaining us, because we’ll be entertaining you!