So, an otherworldly obelisk materialized in your home and spoke directly into your son’s mind about his role in a hidden war between an ancient order of wizards and winged snake-demons from a Hell dimension. You might be asking yourself, now what?
Luckily for you, we teamed up with a rockstar council of immortal guardian-warlocks to give you 5 helpful tips for talking to your child about the prophecy they must fulfill!
Explain How This Is Their Burden, As It Was Yours And Your Father’s Before You
Discovering that he was born into a secret society of magic-wielders who have been defending the Earth and influencing world events since the dawn of civilization may be difficult for your son to process. It’s important to stress to your child that everything he is experiencing is perfectly normal for a boy of his age and bloodline. Your son may be surprised to find out that not too long ago, his old man used to be his age (and also the Chosen One). Use this as an opportunity to teach him about puberty, shielding our realm against hordes of bloodthirsty hellbeasts, and shaving.
Answer All Their Questions As Vaguely As Possible
Parenting can be a headache. From “where did the dinosaurs go?” to “why is Mom appearing in all my visions? You said she died during childbirth!” it seems like there’s no end to the questions your kids will throw your way. That’s why the mystical protectors we spoke to recommend giving your child abbreviated, unsatisfying answers to every question they ask of you. For best results, insist “there’s no time to explain. The Sh’Daru can see our thoughts and they know you’re here. You must go. Now!” That will get them on to their perilous journey, and out of your hair!
Be Respectful, But Encourage Your Child To Restore Balance to The Universe
Look, kids these days have a lot going on. From texting friends on their cell phones to getting some “sick” kills in Fortnite, it’s hard for them to find time to locate and destroy the Forbidden Talisman. Remind your child that the Elders foretold of his birth, not the end of his social life! Come up with a rule: your son can have weekend sleepovers as long as the forces of darkness are held at bay. After all, it would be pretty hard to binge watch Riverdale if the snake-demons activate the Never Weapon and erase humanity from the annals of history!
Teach Them That Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug
While cannabis has proven to have many medical benefits and recreational use has been legalized in multiple states, the data shows that partaking as an adolescent can be developmentally harmful. Even worse, there is a quantifiable correlation between marijuana use and the subsequent use of other drugs. While that does not substantiate causation between smoking weed and further drug use, you should still warn your child of the dangers of marijuana before sending him on his years-long quest to rob the Ice Titans of their sacred Nova Diamond.
Die In Front Of Your Child
Have a snake-demon’s obsidian blade pierce your torso, rending the flesh from your body and poisoning your bones with its lethal darkmatter toxin. This is sure to get your little rascal’s attention! As he cradles you in his now-battle-hardened arms, tell him “this is the only way. It’s time for me to be with your mother. You must go on without me. It is up to you now. Do what I could not, my beautiful son.” (For bonus points, pass away halfway through your sentence). If that doesn’t get your child to achieve his destiny, I don’t know what will!
Hopefully these tips help you talk to your child about the age of peace and prosperity that he is cosmically mandated to usher in! Remember to LIKE and SHARE this article to save us all from a fate worse than death.