This year get fit and have fun by following the traditional diet of the Mediterranean region! Whether you’re packing a picnic, planning a family cookout, or just snacking on some Greek sailors who got lost and wandered into your cavernous lair, these easy tips will make every bite a delicious delight!
- Lots of olive oil.
- Plenty of whole grains, vegetables, and fruit. Examples include whole-wheat pasta, sundried tomatoes, and pomegranate seeds fresh from the hand of Hades, king of the Underworld, who once a year lures you into his subterranean realm. They also taste great with Greek yogurt!
- Wine can be consumed in moderation. That means one glass per day for women, two glasses per day for men, and several gallons per hour for anyone in the midst of a frenzied thrall inspired by the god Dionysius. Remember, alcohol can make you snacky, so during a crazed Bacchanal try to limit the number of people you cannibalize to 3-4 servings per week.
- Your own children, lest they rise up and castrate you, just as you castrated your own father before you: as an occasional treat only.
- Cardio is key.
- Running is a terrific way to get some cardiovascular exercise, and a marathon is a great goal to work toward! But remember: it’s not an authentic Mediterranean marathon unless you drop dead of exhaustion as soon as you cross the finish line (bonus points if you can report news of an Athenian military victory before total organ failure renders you paralyzed and speechless).
- Looking for something less intense? Consider a leisurely stroll through the forest with your trusty pack of hunting dogs. And if you decide you want to kick things up a notch, just stumble upon the goddess Artemis and her nymphs bathing in a woodland spring. But don’t be fooled by this tranquil scene—once Artemis spots you, you’d better get ready to break a sweat! And also to break every bone in your body as your torso racks, stretches, and contorts into the unwieldy frame of a wild stag. Your faithful hounds fail to recognize the pleading look in your animal eyes. You run (good!), but stumble (we all have bad days!), and as your once-loyal dogs rip the flesh from your metamorphosized body, you realize that maybe those assholes from your CrossFit gym aren’t that bad after all.
- Push a boulder up a fucking hill. Watch it roll down again. Push a boulder up a fucking hill. Watch it roll down again. Push a boulder up a fucking hill. Watch it roll down again. Yes, it’s too late to sign up for a hot yoga class instead.
- Diet and exercise are good, but in order to reap all the benefits of a Mediterranean diet, you’ll need to adopt a Mediterranean lifestyle as well.
- The basics: orgies, orgies, orgies!
- Dinner parties are a fun way to get the whole gang together. Serve an appetizer, a main course (seasonal ingredients only), and enough wine to fuel a 12-hour philosophical symposium on erotic love, followed, of course, by an orgy.
- Learn new things. Discover new hobbies. For example, shake up your dull, daily routine by stealing fire from the gods and incurring the wrath of Zeus. Goodbye workaday world, hello having your liver eaten by a giant eagle every day! Don’t worry: if you get bored with your new hobby, you’ll only have to stick it out for a few millennia or so before Hercules comes to bail you out (and bring you to an orgy).
- Visiting friends and family: surprise everybody by showing up hidden inside a huge wooden horse. If you’ve got some time before your hosts decide to bring the horse into their house, take the chance to meditate or catch up on some reading. Or, even better, crack open a barrel of wine and have an orgy with the other guests hiding inside the horse. Watch out for splinters!
- You’ve just been to fourteen consecutive orgies. You need to drink a goddamn glass of water.