Dear House Hunters: Do you feature underground bunkers on your show? I’m searching for a new home, about 100 feet below the earth’s surface, that will protect me and my family from climate change, nuclear apocalypse, robot uprisings, etc.

I have a modest budget, so I can’t afford a McMansion bunker with an indoor swimming pool and a bowling alley. Instead, I’m hoping for a light and airy shelter that’s cozy, charming, and great for entertaining.

Here are the big items on my wish list:

  • The bunker should be move-in ready with granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, a generator, and a stockpile of antibiotics. I also would like an open floor plan. I want the kitchen to flow right into the living-room area. That way I can watch my kids play while heating up canned goods and serving Twinkies for dessert (never expires = perfect food for an apocalypse). Also, natural light is essential. The sun makes me happy! I need lots and lots of sunlight streaming into our beautiful bunker.
  • OK, scratch that last part. I forgot that our bunker will be buried underneath several tons of earth. No worries. I’ll settle for heat lamps and strategically placed Yankee Candles. Anyways, I know you have your international show, but I don't need a fortification in Paris or Rome. A bunker in a cute town with lots of shops and restaurants would be more than fine. Ideally, it would be a community with a high walkability score. I’m not sure how much gas will be available when civilization collapses.
  • Just because it’s underground doesn’t mean it can’t have curb appeal. The bunker shouldn't simply be a pod sunk in the dirt. It should have loads of character. When you walk up to the hatch, I want there to be flowers and a garden gnome.
  • We certainly can’t forget about our dog as we shop for our new bunker home. After all, he is part of our family, too. He is so sweet and rambunctious! His name is Rasputin, and he is a German shepherd mix with a wee bit of wolf in him. How cool is that? The kids adore him. To keep Rasputin happy and healthy, we’ll need an indoor dog park attached to our bunker. The park should have lots and lots of space for him to run around (if he doesn’t get enough exercise, he grows anxious and starts to gnaw on our limbs).
  • This isn’t a must-have, but I would love a room for chilling out and watching the big game in peace. Call it a man cave, though I know that seems redundant, since the entire bunker will be entombed in the earth and feel rather dank, damp, and cave-like already. But a cool, chill space, something that looks like Elvis’ Jungle Room, with pool table and lots of shag, would be great. Also, and I hope this isn’t asking for too much, but I would love, love, love a hot tub for winding down after a tough day underground. Once the kids are asleep, the missus and I can slip into it and have some couple time.
  • Finally, I want a bunker filled with warmth and love, where my children can feel safe, without fear or dread, where I’m not reminded on a daily basis how tenuous life is, even if thousands upon thousands of species are dying off, even if the world is being used up, the weather turning extreme, the oceans rising, fires burning. Also, I need a bunker with enough counter space for my waffle iron.