Hold all my calls, I have an urgent matter to attend to. I know, it’s the end of the quarter and deliverables are due before close of business. But this is high priority and I can’t be distracted. I have a crush on a boy.

Looping you in: he’s a friend-of-a-friend named Daniel who demonstrated interest in opening negotiations for a drink this weekend, so I’m putting R&D on an aggressive timeline. He meets all my top KPIs, including being an Earth sign.

Immediately reschedule the client-by-client reviews; I like him so much I’m gonna throw up. Push back as far as you can, because I saw on Twitter that Daniel posted a meme using an image from Six Feet Under, so now I have to watch all of Six Feet Under.

Quick huddle: Do you think he’s cute? I think he’s so cute.

Remember at last year’s corporate retreat when we went over the three key elements of total sector domination? I laid out a strategy for sustainable growth and increasing bonuses over the next decade, with a potential strategy for avoiding bankruptcy while saving jobs? Yeah, was the shirt I wore that day flattering? I’m gonna post something to Insta Stories, see if he watches. No, you’re right, A/B test with another outfit on Close Friends first to maximize impact.

Take inventory off the agenda. The only asset I’m interested in is Daniel’s rescue husky. His name is Roscoe. That’s literally the perfect dog name!

My love index has been trending downward since the start of the fiscal year, with a significant drop-off in joy dividends. There is massive scarcity on the singles market in my demographic, and I’m not exactly accruing capital if you know what I mean. But if I secure this merger, I’m a blue chip, baby. So I need you to get the board on a Zoom as soon as possible. The board of my friends Sarah, Tonya, and Denise. Definitely don’t involve the work board.

Six Feet Under has some weird stuff to say about race, but I’m willing to let it play out.

He could be my soulmate. And you expect me to go over employee progress reports? Here’s an employee progress report for you: Daniel’s eyes are brown-gray-green!!!!!

You can push the overseas earnings call to Monday, when I will have reached a state of such manic obsession that other tasks will actually be a reprieve. Once he becomes the primary shareholder of my brain space, I’ll need to diversify my attention portfolio, and will welcome the distraction of non-Daniel banality. If we haven’t locked in a face-to-face during unsocial hours, that’ll only incentivize me to work even harder to fill the time.

Staving off loneliness is the long-term objective…

In terms of shareholders, I see major upside vis-a-vis sharing my life with someone, and having Daniel hold my hand, maybe even hold me in his arms as I fall asleep, safe and warm and– No, you don’t need to put that in a memo. But I appreciate the initiative, why are you–

–A girlfriend? But he—how could I have missed—no, you’re right, toggling over to his tagged photos, you can clearly see… and she runs a dog rescue. Well. If they’ve vertically integrated, then that’s not a penetrable relationship. Let’s put love in the outbox.

Sure, send in the consultants. I finished Six Feet Under anyway. What a finale.