ABRAHAM LINCOLN, 1865

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war. We are gathered on a great battlefield of that war. We can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power.

By what means, then, might we honor and cherish our fallen compatriots? That’s where SquareSpace comes in. No frills, no hidden fees, simply timeless and lasting designs. For just nine score and nine cents, you can receive six months’ subscription to the service plus a free domain name. I’ll even consecrate it for you.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT, 1933

This great nation will endure as it has endured, will revive, and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Such fear could well bring one to defecate in one’s own undergarments. This would be a significant obstacle if not for the fellas at MeUndies, who have graciously extended their support to pull our nation through these tumultuous times. We shall indeed emerge from this adversity, battered and bruised yet resplendent in crisp, fresh drawers.

WINSTON CHURCHILL, 1940

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender.

And on this grand battlefield of good and evil, we shall draw nourishment and courage from the folks at Blue Apron. They shall deliver delicious hot meals to our fighting men on the beaches, the seas and in the skies. You need only surrender to their damn good prices. Do not hesitate, for now is the hour to feed.

JOHN F. KENNEDY, 1961

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

What exactly could you do for your fellow man? Perhaps you could mail your fellow man a letter. But what about our famously terrible postal service, you ask? Now, thanks to Stamps.com, you can present the open hand of friendship to your fellow man with next day delivery nationwide. Ich bin ein satisfied customer!

RONALD REAGAN, 1986

The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives. We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for the journey, waved goodbye, and slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God.

And what a smooth face he would have, courtesy of our friends at Dollar Shave Club. To receive a terrific shaving kit with three whole months’ worth of refills, visit their website now. Use the code “CHALLENGER” to receive a bonus month on the house.


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