A Very Merry Cannamas

When Silicon Valley app developer Hayley learns she can work remotely, she heads to her hometown in the enchanted redwood forests of Humboldt County, the hottest real estate market in the western US. Her childhood home has been boarded up and condemned ever since her parents died from lack of healthcare in the middle of nowhere, so she goes to the hardware store to buy some tools.

This is where she bumps into rakishly handsome high school sweetheart Rattlesnake, whose cannabis farm has fallen on hard times due to legalization driving prices down. When Hayley realizes she still has feelings for him, she bids $200,000 over the asking price on his land, then convinces him to help her turn it into a much more lucrative Extra-Tall Christmas Tree Farm. To celebrate, they head up to Murder Mountain to find the perfect giant redwood tree to cut down for her fixer home, and neither one of them is heard from again.

La La Boheme

Rhonda is an aspiring sitcom writer who's just moved to L.A. from the Midwest. Her search for an apartment at Iowa prices isn't going well, but luckily she stumbles upon what she thinks is a quaint outdoor Christmas Market like they have back home. It turns out to be a tent city full of assorted poor Bohemian types, and they welcome her to live with them after she burns one of her spec scripts to keep them all warm.

Here she falls in love with Manny, a scruffy aspiring Etsy designer who is unfortunately dying of tuberculosis. She knows he would be better off with a wealthy sugar daddy who can afford health insurance and a small condo, so she breaks up with him via operatic song. When someone uploads a video of the musical breakup to TikTok, it instantly goes viral and Rhonda is hired to write a musical Hallmark holiday special. Manny dies.

Christmas Crushed

Girlboss and Manhattanite Lawna inherits a vineyard in Napa Valley from an uncle she has never met, but she's allergic to sulfites and only drinks Skinny Cosmos. Smooth-talking vineyard manager Brad doesn't actually know anything about wine either, but that doesn't stop him from mansplaining to Lawna at every opportunity.

Missing the Big Apple and not really caring about the success of her grapes, Lawna does exactly the opposite of everything Brad tells her to do, just to spite the self-important bastard. This accidentally results in the best year of production the failing vineyard has ever seen. By the time she throws a Christmas party for all of the harvesters, the heated arguments between hot-headed Lawna and hot-bodied Brad have built up so much steam that there's nothing left to do but rip each other's clothes off.

Unfortunately, the climate has also been building up heat, resulting in a prolonged wildfire season that destroys the vineyard and all of their hard work on Christmas Eve. Lawna heads home to Manhattan with a single surviving grape, and Brad talks his way into becoming an opinionated barista at her favorite coffee shop just so he can see her again. Lawna teaches Brad to ice skate at Rockefeller Center, letting him pretend he already knew how the entire time.

Then she files a restraining order.

I Found My Heart in Man Francisco

Professional succulent whisperer Kyleigh had been planning a road trip to her quaint hometown in Vermont for Christmas, but when an earthquake takes out all the bridges and roads into San Francisco, she learns to make the most of Christmas in the city. It turns out her mysterious neighbor who never leaves his apartment is not only a total babe, but he also has an adorable chiweenie he needs help finding in the rubble that used to be their apartment building.

As she helps him dig through asbestos and memories, she learns to look past his lack of both communication and bathing skills, and finds herself falling for the enigmatic stranger. In a mid-movie twist, Kyleigh learns there is no chiweenie—her quirky neighbor is a secret memecoin billionaire looking for the cold storage drive for his crypto fortune.

Because she helped him despite thinking he was a regular loser, he proposes to her with an NFT of Princess Di's wedding ring. They fly to Vermont on his private jet so she can have the white Christmas she had hoped for. There, they buy her struggling hometown and turn it into year-round Christmas-themed vacation rentals, despite the objections of the charming townspeople.


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