AT A PASTRY SHOP: “While I do appreciate this lemon meringue pie—it’s very sweet and tart, which is fun for a dessert if that’s what you’re going for. But—and no pressure—have you considered making it more like a Chicago deep-dish style pizza? The gooey insides and the crunchy crust are a nice juxtaposition and remind me of a deep-dish pizza with just the right balance of gooey and crunch. Which this has—don’t get me wrong. But I think we need it to be more pizza-like to be the best version of what this is trying to be…?”

AT THE DENTIST: “I think you—I’m sorry…​the patient​, always the third-person to address the person getting critiqued but not able to say anything back—could have flossed more in the last 11 months. Or, at least I’m not sure the patient ​intended​ for this amount of blood output here. The patient’s bad breath is also distracting, and the patient should have brushed his teeth before coming in for his yearly check-up. I apologize for asking the patient so many tedious questions with my hands deep in his mouth without expecting an answer—like why he’s an English major in this economy—but that’s sort of what you sign up for here. And also the patient’s breath remains the more pressing concern for future visits.”

TO A WAITER: “I thought it was a peculiar choice to open with the specials…?”

AT A FRIEND'S HOUSEWARMING PARTY: “Thanks for having us! What a lovely, new home. I know you just moved in and have just unpacked all your belongings. And I know you’re confined to this exact square footage because of the apartment building’s floor pan, but—and hear me out—have you thought about potentially expanding?​”

ON A COLLEGE TOUR: “Have you considered ​not​ walking backwards while giving this tour? I know it’s so that we can hear you better, and walking forward would defeat that purpose. But don’t you think it sets sort of—I don’t know—a ​patronizing​ tone? Or maybe we could enter more in scene with less exposition? Could bring us right to the steamy make-out session in the back stacks of the library maybe instead of explaining how the school was founded two hundred years ago by some goober named Ephraim? Just something to think about… if you’re interested…”

WHILE CONSTIPATED ON THE TOILET: “I feel like the pace might be lagging a bit here…?

TO A BODY OF WATER: “That reminds me of that David Foster Wallace essay…..”

AT A BASEBALL GAME: “I know what W and L stand for on the big screen there, but I don’t have the faintest idea what ‘ERA’ means. And I’m still not totally sure based on context clues. So that’s ​really​ taken me out of the flow of things. Otherwise, I’ve been so entertained (the mascot race! That wholesome intermission where we all sang and stretched!). But, I keep feeling left out not knowing what ERA stands for. Maybe put more focus on the singing and stretching, so we’re ​all​ less confused?”

WATCHING TV, ALONE, AT HOME: “I know this was pitched as ‘​Parks and Rec but if it were set at a daycare.’ Which, as an idea, feels so charming and fresh and lived-in. But I think we really do need a child murder or double murder-suicide between teacher and child or child and child or at the very least a child poisoning in terms of injecting Trauma Porn. Very easy fix: could be in the juice box at snack time in episode 1. Just to up the stakes right away and take the focus away from Tommy crapping his pants in the sandbox, which felt a little unearned because we never really get to ​know​ Tommy. One of the teachers could even break bad, if you catch my drift, and kidnap a kid…but, yeah, I also agree with everyone else that Parks and Rec at a daycare is​ ​great, too…”

TO FLAT STANLEY: “This character might pop a bit more if he were more three-dimensional maybe…?”

ON SET FOR MARCH OF THE PENGUINS: “Have you heard of Hemingway and/or his Iceberg theory?”


And now a quick joke...

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?