Hey girl. You just popped up in my “people you may know.” I saw your pic and just knew I had to swipe right. That didn’t actually do anything, but it’s the thought that counts, right baby?

So then I bought LinkedIn Premium just to drop you this sweet little DM. And when I say bought, I do mean I’m doing a free trial. Did you know that when your trial runs out or you get banned for sending pics of your dong, you can just make up a new email and get another trial?

Anyway, I see we’ve got three mutual connections. I guess we run in similar circles. Sounds pretty promising to me.

Wow, Princeton University? You know, some people call me the Prince of Newark. Man, we’re basically the same person. Your profile also says you’re studying for the bar. I could help you out with that. I know some bomb drink recipes. Jagerbomb, Irish Car Bomb, Sake Bomb. You name it, I’ve bombed it.

I notice you used to work in Digital Marketing, so… can I get your digits? And maybe uh… take you to some kinda market somewhere? And I see you did volunteer work with the Red Cross. You know, I do some volunteer work for the Mayo Clinic. Oh, not the one you’re thinking of. We make sandwiches outta my mom’s garage. And when somebody calls in with a medical question, we do the best we can.

I’m checking out your fine-ass certifications, baby, and damn you’re proficient. But I think you’re missing something: you’re a certified knockout, no doubt about it. Python? You know… I’ve got a python of my own, and I think you might wanna meet him. His name is Frank. I bought him off a guy in Hoboken. Got a great deal. His food’s expensive though.

And I see Java on here too. I’m a pretty big coffee guy myself. I know the dopest spot. You ever been to the Dunkin behind the JC Penny? Best cup in Jersey City.

Three languages. Damn. I can’t even get anybody to endorse me for my skill in English. Well I’m thinking about endorsing you for your skill in being fine as hell. Maybe you could return the favor and endorse me for my skill in English? I see you’ve got some glowing recommendations too, including from your coworker Shannon. She single? Not asking for me! It’s for my boy Bronco. Maybe we could set up a double date? I’ll have him drop her a DM on LinkedIn.

I see that one of your interests is working out at the gym. You know, I’m a pretty big gym rat myself. That’s because I work at a gym called “Gym Rats.” I wear a giant rat costume and Bronco dresses up like a big cheese. I chase him all over the gym while people are working out. Amazing gig.

I’m thinking maybe we exchange a few… professional headshots? And when I say professional headshots, I do mean that I’ll take a picture of my dong wearing a little tie and bowler hat. But not on the app. I can’t get banned for sending dong pics again. Then I'd have to make a new email, new account, get a new free trial, you know how it is. Ban me once, shame on you. Ban me 13 times? Shame on me.

Baby, I know you’re feeling what I’m feeling. Let’s take this to the next level. Right here right now. I’m just gonna come out and say it: I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn. If you know what I mean.