Rioja de Crayola, 2019

This youthfully bright red, sourced from a toddler’s Crayola marker, is expressive yet precise. Grips you with the zesty flavor of red dye #40 before finishing with an exuberant polka dot. Leaves you with the lasting knowledge that you should definitely think twice the next time your two-year-old shouts from the other room, “I no do!”

Domaine Ur’aine, 2014, 2016, 2020

The urinary mishaps of three potty-training boys mingle to deliver this temporally complex white. Mellowed by bladders, this blended selection jaunts toward wildly over-ripe citrus before finishing with memorable minerality.

Cotes du Groan, 2018

This full-bodied white, obtained from runny noses mindlessly wiped on nearest surfaces, resounds with human infirmity. The slow manner in which time passes when a child is sick on the couch is laced with weird olive accents. Warm, jammy textures emerge steadily until you just can’t take it anymore and have to lie down.

Burnt Viña, 2020

The smoky start of this haunting red is derived from that time a child struck a match, then dropped it in surprise, then cried when you yelled. The long, charred finish will linger with you for a while as visions of flaming disasters, narrowly averted, take ample grip on your imagination. Sock that feeling away in the cellar because who needs the guilt?

Mammary Valley Chardonnay, 2011

This buttery white, derived from breast milk, offers a tightly focused beam of love and exhaustion. Infused with the bittersweet realization that life will never be the same, it delivers a confusing mix of ecstatic joy and dark thoughts. If you don’t enjoy this selection, you probably don’t value the labor of mothers, so that would be the note of hostility you detect.

Chateau Mystére, (date unknown)

Frankly, this one is a real mystery and it is not aging well.

Sangre de Chico, 2015

This tawny red, sourced from a bloody lip, brims with the angst of sibling rivalry. Fresh earth flavor from one brother’s knee merges with the peanut butter his older brother keeps forgetting to wipe from his face. Fiercely structured with a faint echo of a parent shouting for quiet.

Vino d’Amigo, 2017

The cheery, oblivious notes of this red are derived from the actual wine a childless friend spilled in a Rorschach splat that refuses to mellow with time. It speaks of the brazen assumption that a super full glass of wine will successfully balance on an armrest in a house full of whirling child creatures.

Que Sera Syrah, 2015

A deep well of macerated feeling, unresolved disputes, and generalized angst highlight this white, obtained from tears. Threads of emotional outbursts interlace with many spicy retorts and a single fermented sock. Finishes with a kaleidoscopic combination of anxiety about the state of the world, smoldering regrets, and cold soup. All the components are there