Dear Potential Employer,

Far be it from me to toot my own horn, but I think you should hire me.

In my current position as Office File Archive Specialist and Level 2 Purchasing Agent, I have developed innovations to improve efficiency, safety, and employee morale.

My latest project was to reindex all the company files, which were
simply sorted by the first two letters of the client's last name. To make the filings more accurate, I began indexing files by the first letter of the client's full first name, followed by the first letter of the client's nickname, followed by the middle initial of the client, followed by the first and last letter of their last name, followed by the date the document was filed. A question mark is put in place if the client's middle name is not known. For example, Bob Pierce used to be “Pi.” Now, it's “RB?PE080118.” Colleagues have referred to my revisions as “very interesting.”

I was also instrumental in purchasing supplies for the latest office outreach program, which featured a day trip to a local rock-climbing facility. There was too much inter-office debate about what form of sustenance would be needed to complete the group task successfully. So without being asked, I took the initiative to withdraw $55 and purchase 18 cans of Spam. This is a highly functional food as it can be eaten hot or cold, and it is high in sodium. I wisely reasoned that the participants would be sweating vigorously, and would therefore need to replace crucial nutrients. The participants were so moved by my thoughtfulness, they graciously suggested I donate all the Spam I purchased to the local soup kitchen.

My latest project was a bold strategy to bolster office morale. With funds from our “miscellaneous” account, I purchased a motion-sensor recording device that allows the user to record a personal message. On the device, I recorded my own voice saying “It's another great day at our company. You are a valued and respected employee. Don't forget to smile!” I hid the device in the break room to amuse and motivate my colleagues. Every time employees walk into the break room, they hear this message. Several have enthusiastically expressed a desire to find out where it's located.

Most recently, I was charged with purchasing 25 balloons for a beloved co-worker's goodbye party. The balloons were intended to festoon the small meeting room where the get-together was to be held. I deftly chose black balloons to symbolize the “black hole” the employee's imminent departure would create. I wisely made sure the balloons were not filled with helium. Inhaling helium can lead to light-headedness and momentary blackouts, a steep price to pay for affecting a silly voice. At least two colleagues thanked me for “thinking about our safety, I guess,” as they shuffled thoughtfully among the ground-level balloons.

My immediate supervisor has also been impressed with my substantial track record. Just the other day, she summoned me into her office for a “confidential” meeting. Whereas before I made purchases and pursued projects without her approval, she now wants me to “run these things past” her first. Being recognized and asked personally to work with my boss is a realization of my dream to collaborate at the highest corporate levels.

I have also been told by several superiors that I have “a lot of potential,” and that they'd like to see my potential “put to good use.” I humbly state that this rings as a quality endorsement of my unique skill set.


Your Soon-To-Be Valuable Employee