Hi ! First time posting here. A Russian oligarch moved into the house next door, and I'm not sure how to confront him about some of the things he's doing. Got any pointers?

Why don't you have chat with him? I'm sure he very down-to-earth, cool guy Fonzie “ehhhh.”

I hear Russian oligarchs can be vindictive and dangerous, like total sociopaths. Is that true?

This nonsense. Oligarchs good people with enormous manhoods and very nice mustache.

Okay, well I'm pretty sure he is stealing my cable. What should I do about that?

It not possible to steal what you own. As oligarch, he probably (definitely) own all of cable in Russia, so you are the one stealing from him, yes?

Hmm, that's exactly what my neighbor said in his passive-aggressive letter response to my passive-aggressive letter accusing him of stealing my cable. Am I being ridiculous?

Your neighbor sound logical, like game of chess. Perhaps he cool guy Fonzie after all… “ehhhh”—I'm sorry, that very fun.

He also stole one of my trash cans, though.

Maybe it help reduce waste. Reduce, reuse, subvert with propaganda and force, amirite? My advice as normal guy, who is totally not oligarch: thank him for this service and give him the lid for that trash can so his garbage can stay dry and not make garage smell like wet garbage.

Speaking of garages, he also borrowed my weed whacker and hasn't returned it. How do you get a weed whacker back from an oligarch?

Weed whacking is activity of peasant, not fitting of powerful oligarch neighbor—a man who, I hear, is like muscular bicep that powers the glorious, vascular, and definitely heterosexual arms of Russia's mighty economy. No peasant, no weed whacking. Therefore this cannot be true, and you have just forgotten where you put it… like he probably told you already.

This is getting weird. I really need help, though, and this is surprisingly the only forum on the Internet that is dedicated to this topic.

That is… interesting.

I can see that my neighbor is digging a mass grave in his yard, and it's clearly over the property line and in my backyard now. What the fuck?!

There are no such graves in Russia… and even if there were these “mass graves,” they sound environmentally progressive, like composting but with people who demanded premium cable channels. What they think? HBO grow on tree? This excellent idea, actually.

Cable growing on trees, I totally see it. But listen, this guy is insane. He's using me to train his personal spies.

Russia has no spies.

Oh, really? Well then how do you explain the mysterious woman who seduced me and then cut off my left earlobe while I slept, leaving behind only an ironic note scrawled on a playing card from an obscure game we played together, which we both happened to have played with our grandparents growing up?

In Russia, this quite common. Our women very mysterious and very into card games.

Okay, that's it!! I just learned that my neighbor bribed officials in the State records office, and he now owns my house, and is demanding that I pay rent.

This kind of rumor is common misinformation tactic against oligarch. State policy forbids officials from taking bribe so this bribing obviously could not happen. It sound like you are just wrong about owning property and will pay rent to totally straight, powerful like biceps neighbor.

Wait, is this him? Are you my neighbor?

Sorry, I'm having to go now. Must take wet garbage out before getting the “hot goss” from my friend, who cut off a guy's ear last night! L8r, comrade.


And now a quick joke...

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.