Forming a successful startup is a tall task for any young business person, and an infinitely taller task for anyone deeply horrified by human invention post-1820.

So while there are plenty of hot tech companies out there, let us probe the few whose Luddite founders would rather die than be subjected to a probe of any kind.

BrickUp

Though famous for AM radio broadcasts in which their audibly sleep-deprived CEO Nick Acosta called upon the public to help him “cease this cruel plot” as he smashed 3D-printed sunglasses with bricks until he cried himself into a nap, BrickUp developed bricks large enough to destroy data centers, but small enough to conceal from evil clones of Regis Philbin, right until every employee called in sick via carrier pigeon and was never seen again.

OFuq

“We Must Reclaim Ourselves From Ourselves Using Wooden Spoons,” read a banner in the quickly thrown-together offices of Ofuq, an Austin startup founded by Megan Fargo immediately after she emerged from Google HQ pale and disoriented clutching a large manila envelope, muttering the name of her next startup. Indeed, Ofuq was so rigorous with their spoon design that they never actually did anything but cower under their desks and scream into wastebaskets filled with crumbled up blueprints.

SkeptiX

Investors initially fascinated by SkeptiX’s idea of harnessing the power of discarded iPod Shuffles to scramble military communications were quickly turned off when company leadership showed up to their first meeting in loincloths and insisted they all join a suicide pact.

Death To Bezos

Impressed with the total destruction of his girlfriend, Jeff Bezos quickly moved to acquire Death To Bezos after they mistakenly unveiled their highly-anticipated gadget The Claw Of Dissent™ on his partner Lauren Sánchez instead of him.

TechSMASH

TechSMASH appeared to be at the forefront of tech smashing innovation, attracting hundreds of young minds that were as talented with blunt weaponry as they were terrified of automatic doors. Sadly, just before an IPO took place, they all climbed on top of a hill and made an official statement saying the company had become “the very monster it had set out to destroy,” then smashed each other's skulls in with their patented Baseball Bat EXTREME, a device which took the power of a baseball bat and optimized it by tying three of them together with a belt.

Jeff’s Fireplace Pokers

This one was always a long shot, but it was sort of fun to watch Jeff mull around in his garage taping old tin cans to fireplace pokers until he got frustrated and burned down an Apple store.

DysMantel

Remembered for a lengthy company launch speech available only on passcode-protected VHS tapes that self-destructed immediately after viewing, founder Collin Hothorn truly lived (and presumedly died) by the expression: “A COMPLETE DISMANTLING OF THE GLOBAL INFRASTRUCTURE IS NECESSARY FOR HUMAN ATTAINMENT NOW SOMEONE TURN THIS OFF I DON’T FUCKING TOUCH CAMERAS ANYMORE.”

GOATS, GOATS, GOATS! [new name???]

The maps and patent applications discovered on a corpse being nibbled on by a pack of goats in Southern New Mexico, scatterbrained as they are, reveal one unknown man’s dream of training farm animals to use walkie-talkies and chew through fiber optic cable.

–. — -.. / …. . .-.. .–. / ..- …

Not much is known about –. — -.. / …. . .-.. .–. / ..- …, but if the giant rolling pins and thoroughly bashed-up mannequins dressed up like Mark Zuckerburg found in their now abandoned island fortress are any indication of what they could have achieved, then pardon our French when we say, “–. — -.. / …. . .-.. .–. / ..- …”


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