By contributing writer Marty Archibald

Before I actually start, let me clarify the title. By everybody, I mean nobody, and by has no, I mean has. Everybody Actually Has No Fun sounds a little funny and people might think a retard wrote the column due to awkwardness that the title invokes. People are impressed when people with limited mental capacities are able to do stuff. Therefore, with the title Everybody Actually Has No Fun, people will think I am retarded, and I'll be able to pull in at least three or four extra readers.

Now that I’ve proven that your argument for a title change is groundless, I’ll move to the actual article.

Let's start by defining fun. My definition—and according to my mom, the only one that matters—of fun is, “a time of enjoyment one has that is accompanied by a full recollection of the event after the fact, with no regrets or the possibility of regrets of any kind stemming from the event.” Also, only those with full mental capacities are allowed to have fun privileges; in other words, no retards.

I’ve always believed that no one ever has any fun, if only to reassure myself that I wasn’t a loser, and that I should put the gun down. I would always tell myself that although it seems like it, no one is out having fun while I’m sitting there with my hand in my pants watching old episodes of Who’s The Boss. I have a thing for Angela.

We are all captive to the elaborate farce that is fun. Especially polar bears.

Before I continue any further, let me say that people do have fun on rare occasions. I believe that everyone is allowed 10 hours of fun a year. This is why I abruptly stop partying and go to sleep as soon the ball drops every New Year’s Eve. I don’t want to waste all of my fun hours at the start of the year. Granted, it is hard to have fun sitting on the couch watching Dick Clark with your parents who fell asleep hours ago, but I’m not taking any chances. The problem with fun hours is that when you use some, you always regret using them. This regret disqualifies any so called fun from actually being fun.

Recently I’ve started doing some research in the area of “people have no fun.” What I’ve found out is quite surprising. Not to me, but to all the assholes who think they have fun.

I’ve already made it impossible for anyone to have any fun with my theory of fun hours. Some of you may not believe in my theory though, so I will take some of the most common fun-having moments that people believe in and shoot them down. By the way, a theory is a widely accepted and repeatedly tested set of principles that have never been disproved. So by calling my idea a theory you are wrong for not believing in it and being wrong is no fun.

Alcohol Drinking and/or Drug Taking:

This one is easy to shoot down. If you remember what you did when you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs then you were obviously not having fun. If you don’t remember anything then that event is disqualified from meeting the fun definition under
the full recollection clause. That was easy, but now let me elaborate further, a.k.a. extensify.

Here is a hint for all of those boozing or drugging it up. You are not having fun. If you were, you would have no need for the drugs or alcohol. Who wants to ruin fun by taking substances that will not allow you to remember it? Don’t worry though, those not using drugs or alcohol are not having fun either, as you can’t have fun without using drugs or alcohol.

There you have it, you can’t have fun using drugs or alcohol and you can’t have fun without using drugs or alcohol. According to my English teacher, that is what we call a catch-22, or so I would have learned had I gone to class. I believe that is a catch-22 also; then again I never went to class so who am I to say what a catch-22 is. That is also ironic, and if Alanis Morrissette has taught me anything it is irony. Although, the only thing ironic about Ironic was the fact that Alanis thought all of those things were ironic when they weren’t, so maybe I don’t know what irony is either. And here we are again, another catch-22 and that is ironic.

Back to the fun.


No, no and no. Inevitably sex comes to an end, leading you to wish it was still going. That is what is called regret and regret stops you…. I think you get it by now. Wanted the sex to end you say? That means you never wanted it to start in the first place, leading to regret that the act ever occurred. Therefore sex is no fun. Feels good, yes, fun, no.

Others' Misfortunes:

This one is easy. When was the last time you had this conversation?

Queer (you): Did you see that guy fall and break his ankle today when he got punched in the face for being in the way of that guy’s car when he got hit by it?

Fag (your friend): No.

Queer (you): Oh, well it was fun.

Never happened has it. You know why? Because watching some guy fall and break his ankle when he gets punched for being in the way of some guy’s car when he got hit by it is not fun, it’s funny. Big difference, fun does not equal funny. If you do think it is fun to watch people’s misfortunes then you have mental issues. Therefore you are disqualified from fun of any sort due to the fact that you are a retard.

Some of you may be thinking that you have found a loophole that allows you to have fun. Videotaping one’s self in a state of non-remembrance and watching it later does not work. You have two choices when watching a video: by yourself or with others. If you watch it with others you will eventually regret showing it. Everyone is embarrassed by the way they sound and look on tape. Embarrassment leads to regret of showing the video which leads to no fun. Watching a video of you by yourself is one of the gayest things that you can do. Being gay leads to doing people in the ass, which is a form of sex. As I stated earlier sex is not fun. Videotaping doesn’t work, nice try asshole.

Now that I have proven that, contrary to popular belief, everybody actually has no fun and at the same time made it impossible to have fun, I realize that It Is Impossible to Have Fun is a better title. Well, you didn’t make that argument when I started the article so go fuck yourself.

So in conclusion, I am not a loser for never having any fun, as nobody has fun. My mom was right, I am special and I don’t need to kill myself.

Fuck you Danny.