Do you like SEO, bro?

No, but do you really like SEO? It’s my favorite thing.

When I think about SEO, I literally lose my mind. Like, do you know what SEO stands for?

Search. Engine. Optimization.

So goddamn sexy.

See, I think of the search engine as this buxom blonde I run into in the hotel lobby, right? We start talking to each other. I use a couple of cheesy one-liners, but they get that I’m doing it ironically, so they laugh politely, even though they kind of want to turn me away.

It turns out the search engine has some time to kill, so we make our way over to the hotel bar and start drinking a bit. The search engine and I get along great. They actually know a lot about me! Like my mom’s maiden name and the name of my first elementary school—it’s pretty crazy.

Our banter is so quick; I swear there wasn’t a single awkward pause, which is really rare for me because I get a little anxious when I talk to a search engine I want to optimize.

Maybe it was the drinks or the laughter, but the search engine ended up inviting me back to their room, and now I get excited because I know what it means when you get invited to a search engine’s hotel room.

We make our way up to the penthouse suite, and it’s massive. I’ve never seen a hotel room this nice in my life. I mean, the suite has two sinks in the bathroom! And an extra safe in the closet.

I start talking about how nice the room is, and the search engine can tell I’m getting a little sidetracked by the amenities, so they kind of start gesturing me toward the bed. And that’s when I start optimizing.

Man, I can’t even stop optimizing sometimes, you know?

And sure enough, after two, three, four rounds of optimization, the search engine is hooked.

But wouldn’t you know it? I’m hooked on the search engine.

We start getting together in the daytime. Walks to the park, used bookstores, farmers' markets—we're just really falling for each other, you know?

Now, is this whole relationship based on just the optimization? I mean, the optimization is pretty great, but it’s turned into so much more.

We even start mixing our friend groups together. And wouldn’t you know it? They really start to hit it off! We’re having game nights and dinner parties. One of my friends even starts to optimize one of the search engine's friends. Bing and Paul are getting married in the spring, and we’re both giving speeches!

Everything is nice and simple.

As the years start to go by, our lives get more and more entangled and domesticated. I don’t get to optimize the search engine as much…

And that’s okay!

It’s really not about the optimization…

But shouldn’t it be a little about the optimization? I mean, I used to optimize the search engine for hours at a time.

What happened to that? Is that stage in our lives really over?

And soon, our crazy nights of optimization seem like a distant memory. Who knows how long it’s even been at this point?

The search engine is so unoptimized nowadays; they don’t even seem like the same search engine anymore.

And the search engine knows there’s something wrong because I’m not as touchy as I used to be. I’m not talking as much, and the emotional distance is palpable.

One day, I recoiled when they touched me. It was more of a reaction than a conscious thought, and I thought I could play it off like I was startled, but alas, the damage was done.

The search engine signed us up for tech support, which was stupid to me. I mean, if we need tech support, don’t you think that this relationship is already doomed?

So, I’m not very open during the sessions, and the search engine is getting frustrated, gesturing to the tech support guy like, “You see what I’m dealing with.”

And I could clearly see her, so I finally said, “Why don’t you talk about our optimization issues?”

And the search engine cries to me and asks, “Is optimization all you care about?”

I knew they would, and it’s like, what’s even the point of sharing my feelings if you’re just going to yell at me?

And now I’m angry, so I say, “Yes. Did you think that you were anything more than something to optimize?”

And as soon as I said it, I knew it was something I couldn’t take back.

So the search engine gets up to grab their bag, but before they turn to leave, they look me in the eye and say, “Maybe you should focus on optimizing yourself for a change.”

So yeah…

I love SEO, man!