Dear Huntington Family,
Happy Holidays! We loved receiving your family Christmas card this year. How neat that you fit all seven of your vacations onto one tiny photo card! Of course, we very much appreciated the separate page that recapped your family’s accomplished year. We are so happy each and every one of your children is above-average. You would think that if we were better friends, we wouldn’t have need to receive that recap print-out, so it’s nice to know where we stand. Sometimes we are busy, forgetful people, so we appreciate this card serving as a subtle reminder of our absence.
I did notice you had already posted those vacation photos online, but the tangible evidence of just how wealthy your family is magneted to my fridge is a treat! Dale and I came in over-budget this past year, so we lived our vacations vicariously through you. From Scottsdale to Aruba to Dubai, Delta SkyMiles must love you guys! Sorry to hear Ziggy got sunburned in the islands. Glad he was still able to manage swimming with those pigs. Sounds like he fared better than that family who disappeared at your resort. Have they found them yet?
Admittedly, Dale and the kids were a bit jealous when they saw the twins met Mickey and Minnie. I assured them we will make it to Disney eventually! How sweet that Minnie said your girls were the “cutest twins she had ever seen,” and that you made a point to tell us in your letter. Have you considered putting them in commercials? Between Sasha’s unibrow and Sarah’s overbite, I bet the audience would just eat them up!
Of course, I can’t go without mentioning my sincerest congratulations to Caleb on making partner. And wow, what a signing bonus! Such a big number that you felt completely comfortable sharing in print. Glad you spent it on the new kitchen; it looks amazing. Two remodels in three years! I do hope there was a bit left over for you guys to spend on yourselves. Maybe a nice steak dinner? Maybe a little botox, Christine? Not that you really need it. But I’m just saying if the money was on hand you would be smart to do it.
And what a total surprise to read Caleb has taken up golfing! Must be nice to have a hobby that gets you out of chores on the weekends! Dale would sure love to join Caleb the next time he’s on the green. Are non-members accepted at your country club? Dale just got a nice set of golf clubs due to his father’s worsening arthritis—he can't wait to try them out!
Christine, remind me, how have you been feeling? I noticed you almost made it through the whole letter without mentioning you’re vegan. Has the chia-seed water recipe you included in lieu of your famous fruitcake helped at all? I can’t remember what your dojo diagnosed your spirit with, but I do hope your 21-day silent retreat in Bali helped! Is that when you had time to write your wildly out-of-touch holiday letter?
Anyway, the kids send their love! They sure do love playing soccer with your gang. Hopefully you guys can make it to a few more games this year between all those vacations. Pete even asked me to include a little bottle sunscreen in this envelope for Ziggy. Isn’t that sweet?
Wishing you and your family another “unforgettable, life-changing, and prosperous,” year!
P.S. Did I miss a page or did you guys really not get a new car this year? That seems so unlike you! I do hope everything is okay. I’m always here if you need someone to talk at.