By Evens Belleus

Here are some expressions you might hear me use in a club and their definitions…

Caught the Dragon: When someone has bad breath. Dragons being mystical, fire-breathing creatures; people with bad breath being actual, smelly humans burning up my nostril hairs. Hence the phrase “that mawfucka caught the dragon.”

Scratch: When someone tells you something so fucked up that you hear a DJ scratch in your head. Usually followed by something along the lines of “What the fuck did you just say?!?!”

Buttahead: When everything is fine… but her head!

Troll: A short chick. May be hanging out under the bar.

Yao: A tall chick. Plus: eye level boobage.

Nassatall: No ass at all.

Mother Hen: A chick cutting off your opportunity to talk to one of her friends. Three words: Leave the nest.

Pussyblocker: Most likely a chick you're not feeling that fucks up your chance with a chick that you're feeling. Also known as jealousy.

Cockblocker: A guy who closes the opportunity you opened.

Jesus Juice, Gasoline: Alcoholic beverages… 40% and up. It’s in the Bible: Jesus couldn’t get drunk on wine alone.

Shadow: When someone has such an intense body odor that it almost seems to be a living entity you can't see.

Seadonkey: The ugliest chick you've ever seen, multiplied times the second ugliest chick you've ever seen. (Negative results.)

Unicorn: Unconquerable dream chick you happen to run into once a while. That makes you horny, baby.

Flapping Wings: Your wingman working hard to get you laid.

Defeated: Rejected attempt to pick up a chick.

Golden Hour: An hour before the club closes.

Nickel: An average-looking chick. If all fails trying to conquer dime pieces… find yourself a nickel in the golden hour.

Signed Papers: Sealing the deal, aka off to get laid.

And that's most of my vocabulary at a club. So when my boy asks me, “What happened last night?” it usually goes something like this:

“I met a buttahead that caught the dragon. As soon as she said “Hi,” I heard a scratch. She had a troll and a yao with her but even those two were nassatalls. Then I was about to pick up this hot broad but the mother hen pussyblocked me. Even worse than a cockblocker. So I went to the bar and got myself some Jesus Juice. Seen a seadonkey that had a shadow there. WOW. So I let them have conversation. That's when I saw a unicorn. I said what's up to her… even my boy was flapping wings, but I still got defeated. So in the golden hour I found me a nickel to sign some papers. How was your night?”

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.