By staff writer Mike Forest

As an American male, I am willing—scratch that—I am watering at the mouth to watch beautiful women parade themselves around for my viewing pleasure. Before the three regular female readers of PIC send me email bombs and e-thrax, let me say that I am not a sexist. It has been scientifically proven that certain “characteristics” naturally draw the eye. Big, round, nippled characteristics. According to biological needs, we are designed to pursue the most desirable for mating purposes in hopes of creating the master race that will be strong enough to fend off the coming of the Slurg, an ancient warlike alien species from an adjacent galaxy, although currently headquartered in Des Moines, Iowa.

Beautiful women, godblessem, are all over campuses this time of year. The weather in Michigan is still nice, so they are content to walk around in what I can only describe as “really, really short shorts with words on them.” (Do you want me to look at your ass? Because I am more than happy to.) I envy all of you who live in climates that aren’t straight out of the devil’s asshole and have nice weather all the time. Here in Michigan we have to take what we can. Soon the icy frost of October will set in. If we’re lucky, we’ll see the sun again in late March. Damn groundhog.

I know Ivan and his lusty mistress Isabella have been ravaging the southeastern part of the US for what seems like a decade now, and I feel bad comparing our weather to theirs, but they don’t have Internet access down there anyway since Comcast used spaghetti for lines that was either eaten by rednecks or slurped up by boll weevils.

“What about wireless, Beech?”

Hahahaha, don’t make me laugh…any more than I just did. These people are still using tin cans and fax machines to communicate.

To add to the interstate rivalry, this weekend is a celebration of one of the many things that make America great: our gorgeous contestants in the Miss America Pageant. You may have heard that this year, Speedo has joined the ranks of corporate sponsors. Conservatives and other prudes everywhere are taking to the streets in what is being described as a “fully clothed” protest. I think that will make bigger news than whoever wins. I have no idea who won last year. Wasn’t it the deaf chick?

Miss America isn’t as fun as some of the other pageants anyway. They try to make it about more than women competing over who is the most totally smoking hot with a face that belongs on billboards, in magazines, and lying on the pillow next to me (attached to the smoking hot body of course). They have talent portions and how-I-would-make-the-world-a-better-place speeches. Tragically, this means that pageant organizers have to turn some of the prettier ones away and substitute women with actual brains. Honestly, I thought we were past that by now.

After scanning the pictures for forty-two seconds I came to a few conclusions:

1. These women have the whitest teeth ever.
2. I would do any of them.
3. I have no chance with any of them. Ever.

To set up the next joke, I have to take you back to fourth grade geography. Remember that teacher with the obviously dyed-red hair giving you a blank US map and you had to fill in the state names? If you're anything like me, you could find your own state almost right away and then figure out a few more like Florida, California and New Brunswick. I know I'm biased, but I had always thought that the one state everyone could identify was Michigan because the lower peninsula looks like a mitten. Apparently I was wrong because I met someone from Nebraska (it's next to Idaho) awhile back and she had no idea what I was talking about. I tried to stay calm, but her stupidity was so great I couldn't hold it in.


If you're from some pseudo-state like Nebraska and are totally lost too, I'll say the same to you. Go look at a map. Trust me, it's worth it. I'll wait.

Got it? Okay.

We here in Michigan have a joke that will probably not translate well to anyone outside the state. No, it's not about deer hunting, Ben Wallace's hair, Michael Moore, or the Tigers. It's about masturbation. Think about it. Michiganders (yes, that's what we're called) are already laughing their upper and lower peninsulas off. Either that or they've stopped reading this altogether and stormed off to Wisconsin instead (it's not any better there).

The gist of the joke is that whenever you're single you're “dating Miss Michigan.” Get it? It's a hand. You use your hand to…dammit this is stupid. Nevermind.

Kelli J.Talicska of Auburn, Michigan, I wish you luck this year, but my money is on Ann Ashley Wood of Spartanburg, South Carolina. Not only is she kill-your-own-grandmother-just-to-get-within-a-mile-of-her cute, but she has some of the whitest teeth I have ever seen and her ears can support earrings with a diameter of three inches (5.6 millajiggers). I would be happy just to floss with her eyelashes. The three nouns that she uses to describe herself are: “visionary,” “entrepreneur,” and “communicator.” I’m envisioning communicating with her entrepreneurially all right.

Anyway, I’m not going to watch the pageant. I’m too worried that the male judges are going to be wearing Speedos too. Plus I have to do my part to breed the master race.